US denies Saddam torture

At his trial Saddam Hussein has claimed that his US Military guards have beaten and tortured him. Whilst facing an almost certain death penalty for the massacre of 148 people in Dujail in 1982, the bearded ex-despot has claimed the US is lying when these claims of torture were refuted by them.

Saddam also claimed that his standard of living whilst in jail has dramatically and progressively decreased over the time of his incarceration. He told the investigating Magistrate, Raed Juhi, that he used to previously enjoy at least three hours a day of Playstation 2 but his guards had hidden his favourite game, Vice City. Hussein claimed this was "to break my spirit and weaken the resolve of an innocent man."

He also claimed that his usual diet had been cut to only two helpings of caviar and one of frois gras per day. "The infidels seem to want to starve me to death before I can expose them for the liars and despoilers of my country that they truly are."

A spokestorturer for the US Security Services told The Rockall Times that these allegations by Saddam were "pure horsesh*it" and were the rantings of a "mad camel jockey". He went on to add: "Saddam's kennel is mucked out at least once a day. Nobody beats him when anybody else is looking and he gets the same food as any other Eyeraqi inmate at this facility."

Our reporter was not allowed to visit Mr. Hussein to verify his claims, but he was allowed into the facility's kitchens to see for himself what Saddam would be eating that day. Unfortunately the "Powdered Glass au Gratin" didn't seem to agree with him and he has had to chuck an indefinite sicky until his stomach can be sewn back up.

Previously

• ITV announces Gulf War II™ Celebrity Challenge
• Hey, don't know your Special Republican Guard from your elbow?
• So, who gets the Iraq gig?