Eriksson puts his size-10 loafers in it — again

Not content with already setting a world record as the most gaffe-prone international football manager of modern times, it seems Sven Goran Eriksson has put his size 10 loafers in it again. This past week, the journalistic colossus and paragon of integrity that is the News of the World have caught Eriksson with his pants down (not literally, this time) making several inappropriate remarks concerning the England job and his players.

In an exclusive report, the seekers of truth at The Rockall Times have gained sole access to the NOTW tapes, and can reveal for the first time the full extent of Sven's indiscretions. Lured by reporters to the United Arab Emirates, it is believed that the explicit promise of some "Abu Dhabi Poonani" was enough to coax Sven away from Britain and the unbearable excitement of watching Bolton vs. West Brom, and into a Dubai Bedouin tent on the edge of the desert.

After an evening of eating, drinking, carousing and sexual acrobatics with a belly dancer that are the mundane norm for Eriksson these days, he drunkenly let slip several meatball flavoured farts and many ill-advised comments on his England players.

Asked about his star striker Michael Owen, he slurred: "Ah yes, the little one. He is very precious to me. We have trolls in Sweden, but as far as I'm aware he is the only Hobbit in world football at the moment. What a wonderful example to ethnic minorities." It was not all positive though, as Eriksson betrayed Owen's confidence in revealing that the striker had moved to Newcastle purely for the money. This has come as an enormous shock to all on Tyneside, who were appalled to learn that he would be paid for providing a service to the club, and even more appalled to learn that bartering was no longer the normal medium for the exchange of goods and services, and had been replaced by something termed "money".

Other England stars fared little better as Eriksson warmed to his theme and dished the dirt on many of them. Frank Lampard, it was alleged, had "beautiful downy buttocks", whilst Rio Ferdinand was a "lazy, ugly bastard" and Rooney was branded "bad-tempered, but thick as pig shi*t". Clues as to his ambitions following the World Cup were evident as he talked enthusiastically about his plans to take over at a leading premiership club, namely Aston Villa. This admittance was received with the most surprise, particularly in Britain where 99 per cent of the population were unaware that Villa were considered a "leading" premiership club.

Despite these ill-timed revelations, Eriksson has a powerful incentive to succeed this summer. It is believed that the FA is in the advanced stages of planning a suitable reward should the saucy Swede bring back the World Cup for dear old England. If successful, Eriksson can expect to be made an honorary knight of the realm, Lord Sven of Arabia, and he will also be given the freedom of Soho.

Practical perks of this freedom are to include complimentary entry to any "gentleman's club" of his choosing, rights to drive his sheep through Soho Square and the freedom to carry an unsheathed weapon. Something which long-term girlfriend Nancy del Fellatio would say has landed him in trouble before.

Breaking news

As we go to press, the FA is struggling to come to terms with Eriksson's shock revelation that the Premiership now threatens to knock Nigeria off the top of the World Baksheesh Superleague with sensational levels of backhanders, bungs and dodgy deals.

While the loquacious Swede has been summoned to Soho Square to account for his loose mouth, speculation is rife as to exactly which clubs it is who like to oil the wheels of transfer deals with manila envelopes stuffed with cash. We at The Rockall Times can, however, confirm that our sacred islet's own world-beating squad — Dynamo Rockall — has at no stage ever either taken or paid money in order to obtain satisfaction in the transfer market.

Indeed, as manager Barry Quicknap recently told this publication: "Oh crikey yes. During my career at St Kilda Rovers, the gaffer once paid a South Uist agent five pounds in cash to facilitate the transfer of Charlie 'Big Mac' MacDonald from Benbecula Academicals. I always told myself: 'Barry, when you eventually hang up your boots, there's is no way that you are going to drag the game further into the mud by indulging in a bit of the old "Abuja Handshake" as they call it over on the Dark Continent.' I haven't either, and I'm proud to say that despite this we are currently 23rd in the North Atlantic Conference."

We rang the FA this morning to get a quote but were told by a secretary: "Bung me 500 quid and I'll see if I can connect you with someone." We declined and immediately made our dossier available to the News of the World. We later learned that Eriksson had been sacked. Sort of. After the World Cup. Maybe.

Previously

• Abi Titmuss' fury at Sven rumpy-pumpy slur
• Eriksson was crap all along: Official
• Faria: Sven shagged me until my buttocks bounced like footballs kicked by Pelé