Charles Kennedy: How are the mighty fallen

In shock news earlier this month, former Liberal Democrat party leader Charles Kennedy finally came clean about the addiction he has sought to disguise, but which was ultimately to lead to his downfall. In front of the nations assembled media, the ginger loser and sozzled laughing-stock bravely confessed his alcohol addiction and announced that he was stepping down as the party leader with immediate effect, his statement finishing "and now I would ask the presh to reshpect my requesht for some personal contemplation, pleesh".

With this plea the party was now leaderless, and Mr. Kennedy weaved his way from the building and to the nearest branch of Abdul's Kebab Emporium.

More than two weeks on, The Rockall Times has been granted exclusive access by Mr. Kennedy to his private life, his quiet London home and his barren and featureless Scottish constituency. Following in his footsteps, we try to gain an insight into how he has coped since his resignation, and have a good belly laugh at how the mighty have fallen.

Kennedy, however, appears to be taking the set-back in his stride and is even planning for the future. Along with many other high flying politicians, he now hopes to carve out a career in the media, particularly as a newspaper columnist. He hopes to fit in well with the Fleet Street hacks, who are believed to have a similar penchant for his style of "working lunch".

We interrupted him as he was typing up his latest weighty political tome. "It's important for the cause of Liberalism and the party that I'm still perceived to be changing with the modern times and helping us all move forward together" explained Kennedy as he pored over the keys of his ZX81. "More importantly, I need to tell the truth about those fuc*kers who watched me burn."

It turns out that he may not return quietly to his constituency as had at first been thought, but will now seek to expose the dark machinations within the Liberal Democrat party. Targets of his tartan ire are thought to be leadership hopefuls Sir Menzies Campbell and Simon Hughes.

"I told those smug bastards that I was off the sauce for good, but would they listen? The only twat who would listen was that bloke called Lemsip Optic, or whatever his bloody name is. They knew full well that I undertook intensive treatment for my addiction and have been successfully weaned off the Glenmorangie and onto the wholesome purity of Irn Bru. This offers me the only buzz I now require — the E numbers, sugar and tartrazine combine perfectly to deliver the adrenalin kick, ginger barnet and nutritional boost that all of us crave."

Mr. Kennedy is now set to dish the dirt on former sprinter Campbell's drug enhanced performances, both as an athlete and at the latest Prime Ministers Questions, and could cause serious damage to Hughes' hopes with the horrific revelation that he eschews sensible sandals in favour of leather brogues. This particularly will anger the party faithful who demand only the dullest expressions of individual personality.

Previously

• Liberal Democrats proclaim Second Coming
• So, George, where did it all go wrong?
• Millions pay tribute to Bestie