Time magazine declares war on Rockall

Names Bono 'person of the year'

by Ima Duffer

Time magazine, in an obvious attempt to take the piss out of the The Rockall Times and enrage its readers, has named Bono, Bill Gates and his wife Melinda as its "persons of the year". After years devoting uncounted column inches to Bono as well as to Billy's wonderful software, Rockall is finally getting its come-up-ance.

A Rockall spokesjoker commented: "Being recognised by Time with this direct insult is gratifying. We are long overdue for some recognition. I'm sure that the Time editors had a good laugh over it and so will their subscribers. However, this subtle American humour might go over the heads of Rockall's less sophisticated readership. They might think Time was seriously thinking of honouring roving rock pundits."

Asked if this might not be an intrusion on Rockall's satirical turf, the spokesman said: "Not really. Time has a long history of being funny. It's not as if they're suddenly invading our territory. Their habit of persistently spoon-feeding their readers dumbed-down versions of the news is one of publishing's longest-running jokes."

In an unrelated story, rumours have spread that the name Microsoft suggested itself to a young Bill Gates after one disappointed lover disentangled herself from his bed sheets and commented that the inadequacy of his code was not his only problem. These rumours are unsubstantiated, but we report them here anyway. Fact might be stranger than fiction but it is rarely as interesting.

Asked if the rumour hadn't in fact been started by Rockall as the first salvo in a campaign of reprisals against Time, an anonymous Rockall spokesavenger turned from the task of lining his budgie cage with some glossy magazines to say: "Would we do a thing like that?" He then looked down at the news magazine he was tearing up and said defensively: "I didn't buy it. And I certainly never opened it. Stole it from my doctor's office, didn't I?"

Watch out for new, exciting revelations about Bono in upcoming issues of The Rockall Times, as well as an in depth analysis of just how Micro, and Soft, Bill Gates really is.

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Time magazine declares war on Rockall

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