70 Russians die of exposure — whale population spared

More than 70 Russians have frozen to death in the last week as temperatures plunged to -33°C — but, mercifully, no whales are reported among the victims. Likewise, the bodies of 23 kidnapped Iraqi police recruits were yesterday recovered by the authorities after apparently being executed by Sunni insurgents, although aid agencies report that none of them was called Wally.

The reassuring news has come as a great relief to a nation still recovering from the shock death of the bottle-nosed whale which captured the hearts of millions. Tearful temp secretaries have already begun to queue at the Wally book of condolence, some bearing small teddies and bunches of flowers which they hope later to throw on Wally's coffin as the funeral cortège passes through Central London en route to the beloved animal's final resting place.

One tearful insurance company receptionist — who had quit her job to travel to London where she is now keeping at candlelit vigil beside Tower Bridge — told The Rockall Times: "Well, she touched the hearts of millions, didn't she? He was the people's whale; the Princess of Whales."

This view was endorsed by another vigilante who angrily scuffled with the assembled paparazzi. "Are you satisfied now, eh, you bastards? You killed her and now why can't you just let her rest in peace?" he shouted while waving a 47-page pullout on the death of Wally published yesterday in a special, memorial issue of The Daily Mail.

The same anger was also evident at Buckingham Palace, where an unruly mob of shouting people had gathered to berate Liz II for not lowering the Union Flag in memory of tragic Wally. Among them was Mohammed al-Fayed, who, in his overwhelming grief, made several wild accusations that the Royal Family had ordered the death of Wally — allegedly as a result of the whale's tremendous popularity at the expense of the House of Windsor.

On Rockall, meanwhile, the mood in the Fighting Dog and Pikey matched the rest of the nation, as visibly-shattered punters sat silently attempting to come to terms with the death of the whale they had come to love as if it were a member of their own families.

"Just shock, really, that's all I can say at the moment," admitted a red-eyed Arthur "Chalky" Black, supping a half of mild and Olde Wifebeater in the pub's subdued snug. "Disbelief, total disbelief," confirmed landlord Vince, dispensing small glasses of Britannia fighting sherry to a near-hysterical group of young women who had awarded themselves the entire week off work so much the better to mourn the death of the whale which had touched them in a way that not even their own mothers' deaths could.

"Elton John's gonna do the funeral," choked one before breaking down completely and collapsing over the table. "Yeah," chipped in a spotty youth pumping pound coins into the "Goodbye England's Rose" fruitie. "He's even chipped in a tenner to a Free Wally memorial water feature fund. According to the Evening Standard it'll be a symbolic watercourse representing the whale's life from birth to tragically premature death. I reckon they could spend the money on something more useful, to be honest."

"Right, that's it, you're fuc*king barred," thundered Vince as a stunned silence — broken only by muffled, pitiful sobbing — struck the pub like a Merc hitting a concrete underpass pillar.

Next week

Wally remembered: tearful rescue crew share their most moving cetacean reminiscences with Paul Burrell.

Previously

• Engineering firm celebrates Diana Fountain triumph
• Mayor cuts ribbon on Lady Di memorial underpass
• Japan set to defy international whaling ban