Busty B-lister wows film premiere

Fans at a London film premiere last night had their chestnuts gently warmed when a busty beauty hit the red carpet as nature intended — except for a Jodie Marsh limited edition clitoral piercing.

Delighted onlookers — some of whom had been queuing for up to three hours at the prestige event in sub-zero temperatures on the promise of an Abi Titmuss beef curtain flash or Jordan diaphanous blouse nip slip — certainly got more than they bargained for when the starkers strumpet strutted her stuff for the benefit of the baying paparazzi.

One fan gasped: "She's that girl from Big Brother or Celebrity Love Island or summat, isn't she? Didn't she suck John Leslie's piece on Come Dancing?

"Who cares — great tits," interjected his mate. "I'd give it one."

"Nah," offered a Sky News cameraman who had just arrived to capture the historic moment for posterity. "She's the girl who shagged Sven Goran Eriksson I reckon. Top arse."

At that moment the crowd's musings were interrupted by the reappearance of the naked strumpet who happily posed for the now hysterical snappas while absent-mindedly fingering herself between the legs as the Sun's society columnist shouted "Go for the cumshot you bitch!" with increasing desperation.

Abi Titmuss — who reportedly attended the event but failed to offer the press any more than a momentary glance of aureola and did therefore not feature in any today's redtops — is said to be "furious" at the spectacle. Her agent this morning told The Rockall Times: "Abi's going to have full sex with three men on the red carpet at the BAFTAs in February. There may be a facial, if there's strong competition."

Previously

• Titmuss sweeps the boards at celeb-packed awards
• Rockall locals hail new-look Jodie Marsh
• I want sex with hundreds of celebrities: Jordan