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Menzies Campbell revelation rocks Middle England

A mere three weeks ago, all seemed rosy in the Lib Dem garden, but the party have been rocked by successive revelations of alcoholism, rent boys, bisexuality, genocide, biblical plagues, witchcraft, satanic ritual and ineffective opposition to government.

Of late, however, calm had begun to reign over furore and the Liberal Democrats finally appeared to be making headway in choosing a new leader and forming policy for the future. Until today, that is, when The Rockall Times can reveal yet another scandal that will rock the party faithful to their muesli eating core — Sir Menzies Campbell is not gay.

We confronted Sir Menzies on the leadership campaign trail and presented him with our compelling evidence of his closet heterosexuality. Left with no choice, he decided to address a hastily-convened press conference at which he admitted his deception.

"I can confirm today that forthcoming revelations of my not being gay are indeed true. I would like to apologise for the shame and embarrassment this brings on my family, friends and party. People have naturally assumed that although I was married I was doing an Oaten, trapped in a straight relationship but actually a practising homosexual. After all, Barrymore was married for years before coming out, going bonkers and turning into a dildo-wielding maniac pool attendant."

A grim-raced Campbell continued: "Please understand, I have tried to live in denial, but I just can't abide Abbas music. Their clever syncopated disco rhythms and glamorous image are very appealing to most, but it's all far too camp for me. I prefer Diana Ross. For years, I have been falsely representing myself, trying desperately to comply with the Lib Dem norm of paying for sexual favours, being fellated by rent boys and indulging in various drug-related addictions, but its just not me. I like flange."

Previously disgraced party leader Charles Kennedy has been conspicuously quiet in recent days, despite the best attempts of the world's media to contact him. However, posing as delivery men from Threshers, our reporters were able to gain entry to the remote highland hermit's cottage that Kennedy now calls home. Once inside, our men waded through six inches of stale vomit, pinned him down and made him talk under threats of forcing water down his neck.

"Look, Sir Menzies has made his bed and now hell have to lie in it. Obviously, his leadership chances, like most of our MPs' rectums, are in tatters. We make a great fuss of our so-called liberal tolerance when it comes to personal differences and sexuality, but unless youre towing the party line, paying for same-sex favours and holidaying in Bangkok, you're out mate. Why do you think I was ousted? The alcoholic thing, whilst true, hardly warrants standing down. In actual fact, I'm straight too.

So what are Campbell's chances now? Many believe this has damaged his campaign beyond repair, but he clings to the hope that his only vice may yet save him. He also announced today that he is seeking professional help to treat his addiction to the newest designer drug, called "Sanatogen" on the streets.

Back in Westmeinster, meanwhiler, newly-revitalised Liberal Democrat leadership challenger Simon Hughes is understood to be cock-a-hoop with the news that his wavering candidacy is being backed by one of the party's leading figures, College Green reports. The unveiling of this support could make all the difference between sitting at the front facing the ruling government, or sitting a little way further back where the view of the people running the country is not quite as good.

Having managed to garner little backing during his campaign from other elected officials in London and facing recent criticism for the revelations that he had concealed aspects of his past, Hughes is jubilant to find that top-notch and astute pol Lembit Opik is backing him "all the way".

"This is a man who has shown outstanding judgement", declared Hughes, "and who has exhibited supernatural prescience when explaining what's going to happen".

At a media event called to let Opik speak out — delayed for a couple of hours due to poor weather conditions which he unfortunately failed to predict — the throng of reporters was overwhelming.

Opik shot to fame by uncannily predicting Charles Kennedy should and certainly would survive as Lib Dem leader and pointing out that even if he ever had to leave the post happy family Mark Oaten would be the ideal person to take over. With such predictions under his belt, the MP launched into an impassioned defence of his new man's credentials declaring: "The Simon Hughes I know has said he is not gay and that's good enough for me. As to why he has never married I neither know nor care."

Opik also insisted: "I firmly believe that ursine creatures prefer to use modern lavatorial facilities and that the old German man living in a small state in Rome is open to new religious experiences."

Previously

• Charles Kennedy: How are the mighty fallen
• Liberal Democrats proclaim Second Coming
• Lib Dems wipe down their stain-resistant manifesto

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