Tom Cruise to call kid 'Bob'

Celebrity parents the world over have been left reeling in the wake of a press release from the Church of Scientology, disclosing that Tom Cruise and his soon-to-drop partner Katie Holmes intend naming their first child Robert.

"Yes, I'm aware it's untypical for people of our status, but we feel our child shouldn't have the burden of an odd name," explained the toothy cult-promoter (real name Tom Cruise Mapother IV). "One of the reasons Nicole and I ended up adopting two children, was that we couldn't agree on names for our own offspring. She wanted names like Caribbean, or at least something

Reaction from the bearers of unique monikers has ranged from disbelief to outrage. "They can't do that," gasped a clearly -hocked Fifi-Trixiebelle Geldof. "When you have famous parents, a weird handle goes with the territory."

"Dead right," agreed her sister Pixie. "If Mum had called me something ordinary like Susan or Bridget, I would have been teased mercilessly by the kids at my school for being such a common little pleb."

"Exactly," chimed in Peaches. "Without our daft names, we'd be just like all the other rich kids. Don't you agree, Tigerlily?"

Penelope Dreadfull, an assistant editor at glossy style-bible Hello magazine, was even more dismissive of the Cruise pronouncement. "We'll cover the birth, of course, but it won't make the front page with a garden variety name like that," she sniffed disdainfully.

Madonna was also typically forthright. "He should show a little more consideration for his fellow celebs," she said. "Once one starts giving their kids ordinary names, it makes the rest of us look like pretentious twerps."

"It's alright, Mummy," put in her daughter Lourdes, displaying an understanding beyond her few years. "This will mean the end of his career. Next thing you know, he'll be on Celebrity Big Brother. How many of their kids' names can you remember?" she asked perceptively.

However, Cruise and Holmes can muster some support from the ranks of the famous. "Calling my kids Aimee, Kelly and Jack never did them any fuc*king harm," slurred an unusually lucid Ozzy Osbourne. "Even the dogs in our house have got sensible fuc*king names. Isn't that right, Sharon? Mind you," he added, "it doesn't matter what you fuc*king call them, the little bas*tards keep shitting in my slippers!"

"That's the dogs, not the kids," explained Sharon helpfully.

Other couples, soon to be parents themselves, are not convinced. "Who does Cruise think he is?" snarled a defiant Angelina Jolie. "You can't kill off a trend just like that. Brad and I are going to call ours Holymoly or Nittwitt, no matter what anyone else thinks."

Previously

• EU to tame Celtic nomenclative tiger
• Latin America in street name panic
• Hollywood under mounting pressure to cut the mounting