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Lib Dem leadership romp heads for explosive climax

Shock revelations concerning the sexual history and predilections of Liberal Democrat leadership contender Simon Hughes have propelled the salacious Bermondsey MP into a runaway lead over his two less colourful rivals, the sturdy old war-horse Sir Menzies Campbell and relative newcomer Chris Huhne.

Apparently the unashamedly lewd party president, known to his friends and colleagues as "the bisexual beast of Bermondsey" has buggered, shagged and fellated his way to the top of the party tree and into the hearts and back passages of the wider membership during the course of twenty-two outstandingly promiscuous years in Parliament.

"Yes, I've done it and I'm proud of it," the refreshingly boastful bender disclosed in a probing interview with The Rockall Times. "I've had literally dozens of indiscriminate sexual relationships with a whole variety of eager partners regardless of race, creed, gender or sexual orientation," he enthused.

This was sensational stuff. Our correspondent had to tread carefully. "Mr Hughes," he ventured, "forgive me, but I hardly think our readers are interested in raking over the history of your sexual conquests in this prurient way. Can we get back to politics please? What would you say is the underlying philosophy that shapes your outlook on the big issues of today?"

"If it's got an arse I fuc*k it," the highly-sexed superstud of centre-left politics instantly rejoindered. He then proceeded to delineate those basic articles of faith on which the party was founded — core values and principles that are as important today as in the time of Gladstone, Asquith or Jo Grimond, and which, as a leader privileged to follow in those legendary footsteps, he will foster and promote with unflagging zeal.

"Our four key concerns are incest, buggery, rampant fornication, and generally getting our ends away as frequently and cheaply as possible," he stated in a more succinct summary of the party's agenda than any of those illustrious names of the past had ever managed, let alone his current challengers for the leadership.

"It's on that last point that Mark came a cropper of course," he added. "His expenses were far too high and he had to go. It was really very sad."

This was a reference to an early casualty of the leadership race, the disgraced former home affairs spokesman Mark Oaten who, though commendably focused on the key issue of carnal satisfaction, had let the side down badly by paying through the nose for his oats at £80 a helping.

In a live radio broadcast the following day in which the remaining three contenders set out their respective stalls, it was the party's economics expert Chris Huhne who dissected the infamous Oaten strategy for dealing with a shortage of nooky and exposed its inherent flaws.

"As a national policy it's a non-starter. Quite simply it would bankrupt the Exchequer. If we're going to keep our pledge to roll out three-in-a-bed romps nationwide in a comprehensive package of individually tailored erotic practices both gay and straight as I fully intend to do, then it's got to be properly costed and put out to tender amongst the leaner, younger self-starters in our City Academies who'll do the job for a bag of sweets. Mark simply hadn't done his sums and he had to go. It was very sad."

"By the way," he added, hoping to make up some ground on the front-runner, "did any of you know that I'm a necrophiliac? Yes indeed, and I can assure you that whatever people might say you can hardly tell the difference — it's amazing value and with my policies you could all have a go and judge for yourselves."

The audience in the hired school hall were certainly intrigued by the former Euro MP's radical new ideas for boosting the national supply of compliant sexual partners, while damping down costs in order to keep the service free at the point of delivery. However Chris Huhne is still considered the dark horse in this contest, lacking the more direct, earthy appeal of the people's candidate Simon Hughes, who simply chases after any orifice going with a phenomenal success rate that will set the standard for generations to come.

"Chris, that's all very well, but your ideas are pretty much untried and untested," he reminded his challenger, "whereas I've been practising mine for years. Since the start of my very first term in 1983 I've made it a point of principle to have sex with every constituent who comes in through the door at my weekly surgery — man, woman or child. And not once, I repeat, not once in all that time have I had to pay for it."

This perfectly-timed confession earned the 54-year-old shagaholic a thunderous round of applause and pretty much settled the result of the impending ballot once and for all.

Perhaps the most surprising aspect of the entire contest is the way the early front-runner Sir Menzies Campbell, first out of the starting blocks like the former Olympian sprinter that he is, revered by his friends and colleagues as "that old man in a hurry" who for the good of the party had deposed the previous leader in what should have been a straightforward coup but somehow triggered this risky electoral process, has faltered and slipped ever further off the pace, comprehensively outmanouevred by the master tactician Hughes.

Perhaps it's simply that the quintessentially queer MP for Fife North East is a good decade older than his rivals, less willing to come out at his advanced stage of life and capitalise on the undoubted sexual pedigree that places him comfortably in the mainstream of centre-left politics today. The distinguished foreign affairs spokesman and expert on consitutional law had dithered and dallied over playing the homo card until it was too late, trumped in advance by Hughes and his dazzling portfolio of confessions.

It was crunch time for Sir Menzies. He desperately needed something big to re-ignite his campaign and claw back some support. "As for me, I did a spot of cottaging in the Commons latrines when I first came up to Westminster in the seventies," he offered.

There was barely a flicker of interest in the audience at this lame intervention. It was too little too late. Sir Menzies and his exploits were becoming distinctly passé.

With time running out a valiant Menzies supporter lowered the tone with a question about proportional representation, that hoary old Liberal Democrat goal of winning more seats by changing the rules of the game. Which of the candidates would press the hardest for this essential constitutional reform?

"Certainly not me!" Sir Menzies Campbell fairly shouted out. "The grievous attacks that this government has perpetrated on our constitution over the past eight years have been immensely damaging to our political life," he railed. "I'll move heaven and earth to protect it from any more of this ill-advised tinkering which has overturned time-honoured practice and precedent and left us with only one truly archaic honorary post in the House worth squabbling over."

The elder statesman's magisterial tones caressed the willing ears of the listeners as he waxed ecstatic on the ancient honour in question, the coveted Oscar of the Wilde Oates, and its attendant rewards — sumptuous ermine robes, freedom of the latrines with full diplomatic immunity against any legal infringement committed therein, and privileged access to a bountiful supply of fresh parliamentary anus each term.

"And I can assure you that Mark will have my full support in pressing home his unrivalled claim to this eminent office," Sir Menzies promised. "He's got huge experience in homo affairs and he'll really put his back into blooding the recent intake of political talent, not least Mr Huhne."

Unfortunately there was no more time for Sir Menzies to develop his theme, and his overall standing at the end of the debate remained desperately low. A YouGov survey the following day suggested that the Hughes bandwagon is now practically unstoppable at more than 80 per cent support of party members.

But the Campbell camp has not entirely given up hope. Rumour has it that a big new initiative is being set up for next Wednesday. Given the sheer scale of the mountain he has to climb this can mean only one thing — Sir Menzies is aiming right for the top, the most powerful anus in the land. He'll have to be at his very sharpest to hit on Mr Blair at just the right moment during Prime Minister's Questions, jumping him from behind and shafting him vigorously over the despatch box, racing to a shuddering climax with a series of vicious thrusts deep into that foul-smelling cleft of ill repute, ripping apart the notorious Blair inner sanctum on behalf of the nation, then slowly withdrawing his colossal tool to a gasp of shock and awe from the back benches, wiping off on the blood-spattered buttocks and wheeling around with his monstrous twanging rod still evidently up for it, his defiant clarion call of "Come on then, who's next? Cameron, Brown, let's be having you! Bring 'em on, bring 'em on!" echoing around the chamber.

If Sir Menzies psyches himself up for a truly blistering performance and gets all the dynamics just right, remembering to wear his kilt on the big today to avoid any possible risk of tripping up over the trousers and pants round his ankles at the climax of the awesome spectacle, then it might, just might, be enough to turn the tide and put the redoubtable Scottish warrior back in with a shout in the most enjoyable tussle for supremacy that any mainstream political party has served up for years.

Previously

• Charles Kennedy: How are the mighty fallen
• Liberal Democrats proclaim Second Coming
• Lib Dems wipe down their stain-resistant manifesto

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