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Glaswegian foetus demands heroin

An unborn foetus threatened staff in a Glasgow hospital last week when they refused to provide the pre-infant with heroin, shocked health officials last night admitted. The ante-natal junkie — hopelessly addicted to opiates by virture of the culture of class-A drug abuse which has evidently permeated the womb from the surrounding slums and despair-washed streets in which its family lives — indicted by use of mime the action of "mainlining" smack while its mother underwent a routine ultrasound scan. When shocked operatives verbally expressed their disapproval, the foetus "gave us the finger and went bloody mental", as one shaken nurse recounted.

This shocking incident is just the latest on a litany of outrage which has seen packs of kiddies as young as three, crazed on crack cocaine, falling upon hapless teenagers who are obliged to part with their dinner money and mobile phones. These are later sold to eight-year-old streetwise intermediaries who fence them through a city-wide network of innocent-looking eleven-year-old schoolgirls, all of them paid in "Glasgee Smarties" — street parlance for a ten-pound bag of horse.

That the terrible truth can now be told is thanks only to one of these "Gymslip Junkies" who fell alseep at her desk after a torrid playtime junk session ended in torpor. She evidently later told police she thought drug taking was "normal", to which the reply came: "Only if you've paid tax on it and it comes out of a pump, a can or a bottle."

Accordingly, health officials will now try and wean the drug-ravaged primary school pupil off the hard stuff in the traditional way: huge quantities of intravenous Irn-Bru and a balanced diet of deep-fried pizza suppers." The foetus, meanwhile, is today receiving expert counselling via a megaphone held close to the mother's swollen abdomen. The mum-to-be has been advised to "move somewhere else".

Previously

• Drugs and your children: What every parent must know
• UK kiddies in smack fix outrage
• Parents release shock drug pictures

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