Mainland threat to Rockall's liveliest hostelry

In a new threat to the market dominance of Rockall's leading public house, The Fighting Dog and Pikey (125), mainland pub chain XP Witherforks (17) last week made an audacious bid to buy the old Boys Brigade (76) hut, situated to the east of the island, just across the road from the Ephesus All-night Kebab House and Newsagents, run by Mr Wasim Habra Smith, (42).

A spokesperson for Witherforks, Ms Candy Apple, (27), said: "As a resposible purveyor of alcoholic beverages that has sozzled the British market to saturation point, we obviously need to find other outlets in which to offer alcoholic beverages at almost cost price, in an effort to put as many other, irresponsible, purveyors of alcoholic beverages out of business. To this end, we are looking at Rockall as being our first essay into offshore ethanol emporia."

She went on: "We were attracted to Rockall because of its lack of alternative drinking dens to 'The Pikey', (obviously discounting under the slide on the kiddies' playground, as this was only used by chavvy kids off of the council estate, who only drink 20/20 or Thunderbird anyway), and believe that we can offer the noble souls that inhabit Rockall a real choice when it comes to their daily night out drinking. Of course we will offer a full menu, based on our popular 'Buy One Get Twelve Free' meal deals, which we believe will cater fully to the larger appetites of the Northern Atlantic drinker."

She paused for breath, and adjusted her larger than average breasts, which had been threatening to spill out of her smaller than average blouse, and went on: "We are firmly convinced that our policy of 'No Standing At The Bar Without At Least Two Cigarettes On' will pay real dividends with the 'real' men of Rockall, who are tired of the nanny state mentality foisted upon them in 'The Pikey', where smoking at the bar is frowned upon since Dave the Barman (32) had both lungs removed in a cancer-related incident caused by aggressive, Olympic-standard smoking."

Whilst she denied strenuously that XP Witherforks was considering relocating their head office to Rockall to take advantage of its zero-rated income tax band for mainland businesses offering employment to Rockall residents, she strongly hinted that XP Witherforks was considering relocating their head office to Rockall, to take advantage of its zero-rated income tax band for mainland businesses offering employment to Rockall residents.

The owner of the Boys Brigade (76) hut, Mr Wasim Habra Smith (42), was unavailable for comment, as one of the paper boys (13) hadn't turned up for his evening round, forcing Mr Smith (42), to deliver both newspapers himself.

Ms Apple (27) was wearing a tight, black, knee-length skirt with a split up the back, and a minimalist white blouse and stiletto-heeled red shoes, the tart.

Dave the Barman (32) appeared courtesy of John Player (95) Limited, Cigarette Manufacturers By Royal Appointment.

Previously

• Rockall menaced by ecopower development
• Rockall to honour Camilla Parker Bowles-Saxe-Coburg
• Essex pub hit by fruit machine mass hysteria