England 47 – 13 Wales

Editorial note: Due to recent events surrounding Danish cartoons of Muhammed and Abu Hamza al-Masri's Old Bailey conviction for inciting racial hatred, we at The Rockall Times are especially aware of the need to provide balanced, non-threatening reporting which will not ignite the already smouldering fuse of racial tensions. Accordingly, we today offer two reports on last weekend's match between England and Wales. Those Taffs of a sensitive nature, and especially those with a penchant for donning suicide bombers' designer apparel and hanging around outside embassies, are advised to proceed directly to the end of this article where they will find a suitable non-inflammatory account of events.

England 47 – 13 Wales: With incitement to racial hatred

England's pack stamped all over a decidedly sheepish Welsh team as they began their Six Nations campaign.

As we watched at a lack-lustre performance from a distinctly woolly Welsh front row we were left wondering if this was the same nation that had so recently taken the Grand Slam.

Showing true English pluck Mark Cueto and Lewis Moody gave England some early tries and, despite a some lucky foot work from Martyn Williams, Wales never really looked as though they were ready for the over-18s game, let alone the international circuit.

For a nation of inveterate thieves the Welsh showed little enthusiasm for taking the ball — or indeed running away with it. One could not help but wonder if they had abandoned the strange guttural with which they attempt to communicate when at home in the valleys and used the English tongue, so generously imposed upon them by their English masters, they might have got a better grasp of tactics — and perhaps a plan for the afternoon.

However, to heap scorn upon the Welsh side is to rob the noble England squad of the credit due to them. A more manly, virile bunch of lads it is hard to imagine. As I write this I can still hear them singing lustily in the communal baths below me here at Twickenham. I can tell you, my only beef is that they do not sing loud enough to cover the sound of pathetic bleating from the team next-door.

The English off-pitch camaraderie and good clean gentlemanly high spirits (Is that the crack of a flicked towel I hear? That Dallaglio will have a sore bum tomorrow!) come as no surprise when we consider the rock-solid team work we saw on the pitch this afternoon. A wall of British beef thundered down the Twickenham turf time and time again, the Welsh simply had no answer to it.

What does this promise for the rest of the tournament? Well, there is little doubt that England has the character and breeding to beat any two nations, or even three (Take Japan, Germany and Italy as an example), but when we consider the opposition before us today from a raggle-taggle bunch of Europe's also-rans: Ireland, Scotland, France and Italy it is difficult to see why they don't just engrave the cup now and save everyone a lot of time.

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England 47 – 13 Wales: Without incitement to racial hatred

Jolly well done everyone!

Previously

• Woodward outlines Lions masterplan
• Golden boy Wilkinson in training ground horror mishap
• Exclusive: Clive Woodward's English football masterplan