Six 'Dead' In Global Cartoon Violence

Lynne Truss laments tragic consequences of inadequate punctuation

by Jarrad Harries, grammatical correspondent

Across the globe, the ever-worsening controversy over the publication of a dozen crappy cartoons has resulted in vandalism, arson and assault. Yesterday, however, the situation became immeasurably worse with a publication by an American newspaper of a badly-punctuated headline. A summary of the reactions in the most badly-affected areas follows:

Egypt

In Cairo today, four Muslim protestors were squashed when a huge lump of iron in the form of a trapezoidal solid, bearing the legend "50 Tons", inexplicably fell out of the sky. A crane was employed in order to free the pair, who — although apparently otherwise unhurt — ended up as one-eighth of their original thickness but thirteen times their original width and height. Relatives later restored them to their natural shapes by inflating them with bicycle pumps.

Saudi Arabia

In Riyadh, police evacuated the area outside the Danish embassy when a cartoon protestor — described by onlookers as "a rangy, wolf-like creature with long ears" — handed a passer-by a fizzing black sphere with 'BOMB' printed on the side, which exploded seconds later. The man's face was badly blackened, and his eyebrows — discovered by ambulance crews some three hundred yards from the scene — had to be glued back into place.

India

A demonstration outside Hyderabad broke up in panic when participants were chased by a mouse wielding a mallet some hundred times its own size. Police attempted to bring down the rodent with rifles, but were foiled in their efforts when all that emerged from the muzzles of their firearms were little red flags with "Bang!" written on them.

Denmark

Staff at Jyllands-Posten, the source of the controversy, still claim to be bemused at the extreme reaction their cartoons have caused. "I just don't understand what all the fuss is about," claimed one leading journalist at the newspaper's headquarters today "it all seems like a massive over-reac..." His statement was interrupted when — according to eye-witnesses — "a deformed canary with a lisp" dropped a grand piano on his head.

The Danish Minister for Culture was unavailable for comment. He and his wife are currently recovering from an incident on Saturday afternoon, during which they were startled into jumping off a cliff by a crazed blue ostrich running up behind them and shouting "Meep! Meep!", which is Danish for "Death to those who insult the Prophet". Rescue efforts were hampered by the flocks of tweeting birds which subsequently circled the couple's heads.

"There are no mountains in Copenhagen," said an aide this morning. "I swear that cliff wasn't there yesterday."

At a UN summit held this morning to discuss the crisis, Bono called upon world leaders to ban trade in all ACME products until the company agrees to join the Fair Trade programme.

Previously

Email an enemy

Pub-friendly printable version

‘Yeast Logic’ index page