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Middlesborovium 3 – 0 Chelsea: Executions expected

An ominous and terrible silence is all that can be heard emanating this morning from the Thameside imperial palace of Emperor Jose Mourinho since his forces' shattering defeat on Saturday at the hands of the mercenary hordes of Middlesborovium, commanded by Severus MaClarus.

Indeed, Mourinho was last heard lamenting "Where are my three lost points?" as he fled ashen-faced into the throne room where he has spend the last 48 hours locked with the most loyal members of his Praetorian Guard — prompting fears that the Blues' defence will be purged by the traditional punishment of decimation. Michael Essien, John Terry and Retiarius Chec are said to be "resigned" to finishing their careers in the Italian 17th Division, should they be picked at random from the pre-training line-up.

Mourinho had travelled to Middlesborovium in confident mood — despite the latter's earlier rout of Alexus Maximus Fergusonius' Mancunii tribe which saw the northern Red Devils in an unseemly and panic-striken retreat across the Tees. He had, however, underestimated his opponent's sheer fighting spirit, characterised across the city by semi-naked men — dressed only in crop-top t-shirts and blood-stained boxer shorts — beating each other with empty alcopop bottles while their screaming women, bearing their dreadful Top Shop battle paint and boob tubes, exhort their heroes to greater bloodshed.

Middlesborovium chief, Severus MaClarus, later said from behind the haybale draped in sheep furs which serves as his desk: "It's a funny old game, and no mistake. Last week we took a complete hiding at Astonius Villanius and then the lads pull of something like this. I've told them that if we get a draw or better when we travel to Westum Bromix, they can go and rape all the virgins in Stockton — if they can find one — then burn down all the nightclubs."

Previously

• Emperor Mourinho threatens fabric of time and space
• No-one loves me, cries Emperor Mourinho
• Crowds flock to the miracle chair of Porto

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