Souness walks plank: Whither now the Magpies?

Who's in the frame for Tyneside's top spot?

by James Frotbox

In news that surely came like a bolt-from-the-blue to Newcastle United fans last week, manager Graeme Souness was sacked by the club. Following a string of poor performances and defeats the like of which are unprecedented since the last manager departed, United chairman and Munsters-like reject Freddy Shepherd felt he was forced to act to save the club's season.

In a boardroom showdown, the gorgeous Scot was given his marching orders and immediately escorted from the St James's Park stadium. His desk was later cleared by janitor and part-time dogger K Dyer, and these belongings returned to Souness in a cardboard box. That box was believed to contain several fake bushy moustaches, a seventies "perm" style hairpiece, rose-tinted spectacles (left by Bobby Robson) and a weighty publication entitled "How To Con Your Way Into Football Management (And Still Remain A Committed Christian)", written by one G Hoddle.

With the Souness era now an insignificant pimple on the behind of footballing history, The Rockall Times takes a closer look at the leading contenders to take over at the modest Tyneside club:

	Sam Allardyce: Uncompromising and tough, "Big Sam" could be just the sort of tonic the Toon need. He is best known for his astute transfer dealings, his scruffy appearance on the touchline and his stubborn insistence that the entire squad be capable of gobbing into a baying fans face from a distance of 50 yards.
	Sir Bobby Robson: Centenarian Sir Bobby knows more about football than most managers put together. The problem is, he's also forgotten most of it. Along with his players' names, that of his wife and occasionally his own. Not a bookies favourite, but recent rumours suggest that Stannah engineers have been sighted at the ground making ready for his arrival.
	Sven Goran Eriksson: The coitus-crazed Swede will soon be finishing his stint as England manager and will be on the lookout for his next cash windfall. Huge though Newcastle United undoubtedly are, he is believed to harbour puzzling ambitions to manage Aston Villa.
	His Excellency, Jose Mourinho: Chelsea’s monarch has put London and the South East to the sword, and could decide to push the borders of the empire to the furthest reaches of the frozen North. Rumours abound of giant walls constructed to keep the wild, skirted people from our nation’s doors. Could Newcastle be his next garrison and stronghold?
	Harry Redknapp: A paragon of uncompromising club loyalty, club-hopping Harry was ready to quit at Portsmouth when he heard rumblings from a mate, who spoke to a bloke, who's mum's cousin knew Freddy Shepherd as a boy, that he was on the shortlist for United. Expect to see him back at Southampton next week.
	Paul Gascoigne: North East legend and comedy drunk, Gascoigne used to play for the club. He could now be wanted not for the main job, but as the club's excursion organiser. This opportunity appears to have passed him by though, as he remains uncontactable at his plush residence — a roadside ditch near Redcar.
	Martin O'Neill: Emeritus Professor of Quantum Physics at Glasgow University and former Celtic boss, the Ulsterman could now be ready to resume his management career after quitting to look after his unwell wife. Following an intensive course of retail therapy and £100-a-time hairdos, Mrs O'Neill is now well enough to enable hubby Martin to return to the fray.
	Clive Woodward: Having learnt all there is to know about the game as Director of Football at Southampton, Woodward is keen to test his mettle as a manager. Untried, he could yet bring badly needed drive and discipline to the Toons' passing game, forward movement through the ruck and composure in the lineout. Press speculation that he will take the Newcastle job in order to resume a highly-publicised affair with Jonny Wilkinson is unsubstantiated.
	Ant and Dec: The city's, if not the nation's favourite sons are the current frontrunners with the bookies. Fervent fans of the club, their relative lack of managerial experience will be made up for with sheer enthusiasm. Although widely considered smug dwarf cunts, they can't be any worse than the previous smug cunts employed to do the job.

Previously

Email an enemy

Pub-friendly printable version

‘Sport’ index page

Trawl Rockall for:

Souness walks plank: Whither now the Magpies?

Previously