Gazprom halts Bic lighter production

Government moves to prevent mass panic

by Gordon Kingston-upon-Thames

The Government, in an attempt to prevent widespread panic buying and a collapse of the social infrastructure have introduced a public smoking ban after it was revealed that the former Soviet Union state gas company, Gazprom, was holding premier biro, razor and cigarette lighter producer, Bic to ransom over gas supplies.

The shortage of fuel imposed on Bic has stopped production of the 99p lighters and stocks are running low in the nation's tobacconists, newsagents and behind the bar at Rockall's own Fighting Dog and Pikey. Serious smokers can be seen rummaging through rubbish and peering in gutters looking for discarded, but not quite spent, Bic lighters. It is hoped the ban will ensure that smokers congregate in places where they can easily cadge a light.

"Smokers are attracted to a naked flame like moths. It's just as well the Winter Olympics have already started. If the torch had passed through here now, the bearer could have suffered serious injury from secondary smoke inhalation, never mind the delay as he used the torch to light the everyone’s tabs en route," said a man smoking something similar to a cigarette.

Since the introduction of Bic lighters in the early 70s people have forgotten how to use matches, just as they swiftly lost the knowledge required to use a tinderbox when matches were invented in the early 60s. Today, the government is announcing a retraining programme in schools, behind the bike sheds and at the bottom of the boiler-house stairs, to introduce today's children to matches so that crises of this nature can be avoided in future.

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Gazprom halts Bic lighter production

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