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This is a pub-friendly version of this article — print it out and take it with you down the boozer. |
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The original is at http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2006/02/20/geldof-campaign.html.
Saint Sir Bob Geldof launches 'Jazz Mags For Africa' campaign
Porn famine 'a foc*kin' disgrace'
by Neil Harvey
Hot on the heels of last year's Live 8 concert, pop philanthropist Sanit Sir Bob Geldof is now set to tackle an African crisis that rarely gets a mention — the porn mag famine.
Speaking yesterday from his North London hermit's cave Geldof told us: "It's a foc*kin' disgrace and we should all be ashamed of ourselves. There are whole communities in some parts of Africa sharing maybe one or two porn mags between them — and some of these are so old that they're falling apart."
"In one village I visited recently, a village elder told me that there was just one magazine in the area — a 1989 copy of Escort left behind by a Catholic missionary. In June last year, armed guerrillas had stormed the village attempting to steal the magazine, only to be driven out by furious villagers. Three died in the chaos."
"In all my time spent in Africa, I've only ever seen one magazine featuring actual penetration — and that belonged to a high ranking government official. Most of the mags available are second hand Western imports dating from the mid-eighties. In those days, fanny shaving was a rarity and some of the models look like they have poodles sitting on their laps. In those days, you considered yourself lucky to get so much as a glimpse of a girl's chocolate tea-towel holder. These days, you get an eyeful of rusty sheriff's badge on every other page."
Geldof pounded his desk and shouted: "If every man in Britain was to spare just one jazz mag, we could turn the situation around in a matter of weeks. We could airlift bundles of mags to even the remotest areas to ensure that everyone in African society has free and easy access to top quality wanking material."
"I've already sent over my entire collection of Razzle to a village in Chad and the feedback I got was amazing — the only problem was that there wasn't a tissue left in a five mile radius."
Last night, for reasons beyond her control, Mother Teresa was unavailable for comment.
Previously
From The Rockall Times Monday 20th February 2006
http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/.