Charles Kennedy: A Soak's Progress

Think you've had a couple of bad hangovers in the last month? If so, read on — and spare your Ibuprofen for ex-Lib Dem leader, Charles Kennedy...

This week, Abu Tytmah, a Camden based mini-cab driver, claimed that he was recently engaged to chauffer a visibly drunk and emotional Kennedy around a number of different addresses in Central London. The journey culminated in a fight between Kennedy and a homeless man who refused the hapless copper-top a sip from his can of super-strength lager.

"The journey started out OK," said Tytmah. "He hailed me as I was driving through Soho. It was clear from the outset that he'd been drinking like a pissed fish — he was ripped to the tits and then some — but I usually see two or three people like this a night."

"He pulled out a carrier bag which contained a take-away of some sort and asked me to take him to Downing street where he said he had some unfinished business. I asked him not to eat his food and he seemed OK with this and didn't argue."

"It was when we reached Downing Street that he started to get a bit tasty. First of all he ripped off his shirt and then told me to wait a few minutes and keep the engine running. I'd parked round the corner so the law couldn't see my tax disc which was a couple of years out of date."

"Kennedy climbed out of my cab with his take-away and staggered off bare-chested to the entrance of Downing Street. He was shouting something like "Youfurrincuns — I'llfurrintakeyouall". Then he pulled out his food package and tried to drop kick it towards Number 10 itself.

"I got out of the cab myself and went towards Kennedy who was now picking up bits of meat, salad and onion-rings from the pavement and hurling them about. This attracted the attention of the copper stationed outside Number 10 and I pulled Kennedy back to the cab.

"Sat back in his seat, Kennedy burst into tears and demanded to be taken to an address in Lavender Hill which I did. On arriving, he threw three balled up tenners at me and lurched up to a homeless guy sat up in a sleeping bag. Kennedy lunged at the can of lager the guy was holding and received a punch in the face for his trouble. He reeled backwards and staggered off into the night — I didn't see him again."

Since the traumatic evening, Tytmah has suffered recurring nightmares and doubts he'll ever return to mini-cabbing. "I don't think it's right that binge drinking former party leaders can behave like that that — I was just trying to make a living. 24 hour drinking isn't good news for the likes of Charles Kennedy — people like him just can't handle it."

Last night it was thought that Kennedy was probably asleep in a pool of his own urine and thus almost certainly unavailable for (coherent) comment.

Previously

• Charles Kennedy: How are the mighty fallen
• Liberal Democrats proclaim Second Coming
• Lib Dems wipe down their stain-resistant manifesto