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  Monday 6th March 2006  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Rockall rocked by explosive ginger prophet revelation

Ancient scrolls reveal stunning image of The Big M
by H'arj Imladd

Amid angry scenes outside Rockall's "Ma'ss eq Erall" Mosque, Europe's most North Westerly place of worship, a deep, dark and horrific secret has been hauled screaming into the light of day.

Theologians worldwide are united in agreement that Islam holds the manufacture, display and general well-to-do-ness of religious icons as contemptuous and indeed insulting to all who truly understand and believe, regardless of the religion concerned. Such commendable strength of character holds true across all religions whether relating to Jesus H. Christ, Budha, David Haselhoff or indeed the Prophet Muhammed.

For many centuries it has been widely expounded that no images exist, therefore any produced are fake and ultimately blasphemous. However, ancient scrolls unearthed in land fill near the Mile End road reveal a fundamentally different and potentially explosive truth. Extensive forensic archaeology coupled with nail varnish remover and a quick tweak via Photoshop show an uncanny likeness to one of the UK's most beloved and popular media celebrities :

Spokesperson, much loved popstrel and talented UN ambassador for strumpets, Ger*i Halli*well, growled the following statement on behalf of registered charity Gingers Integrating Together: "We welcome this fabulous news and look forward to closer ties between the Redhead and Muslim worlds. Our mutual appreciation and respect towards all cultures around the globe, regardless of religious dogma, creed or hair colour should herald a glorious new age of peace and tranquillity."

Somewhat more reticent responses were forthcoming from the head of Islamic media relations indicating: "That Ginga Cun*t can burn in the fires of 10,000 hells," in an obvious reference to Mr Evans recent career on UK commercial radio. However, in more forgiving and scholarly manner he cordially invited Ger*i round to discuss the matter "Mano a mano" one evening, once he'd arranged for his wives to be out prospecting security on the London underground. On condition that she wore "that Union Jack dress and no knickers, Phwooaarrr."

Previously

 Go on then, hard man