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  Monday 6th March 2006  Yeast Logic   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Rockall faces hosepipe ban crisis

Lack of ranifall prompts drastic action
by Rusty the Boddington's Badger

Hosepipe bans should be introduced across Rockall to stave off the threat of drought, the island's Environment Agency has warned. Agency spokesperson Debs Shagnasty said the island is gripped by what could become the worst drought in 100 years.

She warned that extreme measures of queuing in the streets for water at standpipes, or having supplies cut to households at certain times, could happen this summer as the island suffers its driest period since 1921, with levels at Rockall's Ragnar Reservoir reaching a record low.

Ms. Shagnasty also called for compulsory metering and better education of customers. "If everyone on Rockall saved four litres of water a week by turning off the tap while showering it would be enough to run the sprinklers on the country club golf course and keep the greens pristine this summer," she informed The Rockall Times' Environment editor Lenny Sproggit.

The current drought might also portend an economic downturn for Rockall’s established industries.

The lack of winter rainfall has seen Twatscratcher Brook drop to an alarming low, with a mere trickle wetting the upper rapids, and thus hindering the return of homing salmon to their annual spawning grounds in Loch Lamprey. Fears have been voiced that this may have drastic consequences for the island’s fish canning industry.

Ms. Anita Dorkwrangler, a holistic healing therapist at the popular Tug and Pull Massage Clinic on Slappers Lane, expressed her concerns to the Times: "If the effin' water's rationed 'ow are we gonna keep the clinic's spa section runnin' cos we ain't gonna be able to fill up the en suite jacuzzis.

"'ow would you fancy rubbin' down an' jackin' off mobs of 'alf-pissed sweaty, stinkin' smoked 'addock salemen if yer can't give 'em a good scrubbin' first?"

On a brighter note the patrons of the Fighting Dog and Pikey pub were unanimous in their positive collective opinion that water rationing might see the draught beer getting stronger and perhaps even reaching one per cent ABV for the first time.

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