Stunned disbelief greets Posh retirement

In news that has sent seismic shockwaves throughout the known universe this week, Victoria Beckham has announced that she will no longer be pursuing a solo singing career. Victoria is also known as "Posh Spice" despite being neither posh nor spicy, although some have complained of symptoms similar to those following a very hot vindaloo after listening to her records.

Following her meteoric rise to fame with the Spice Girls in the 1990s, Victoria then embarked on a solo career, with success after success culminating in a top 200 place in the only chart that counts, the Kazakhstan Weekly Countdown. Such was the level of her fame during this period that literally tens of people were able to quote lyrics from her songs in a survey that randomly sampled only 60 million people in the UK.

The stunned disbelief that has greeted her retirement has been considerable, matched only by reaction to historical events such as the Nazi invasion of Poland, Pol Pot's murderous genocide in Cambodia and former England goalkeeping twat David Seaman cutting off his pony tail. Spice Girl records and copies of Hello magazine have been ceremoniously interred in Westminster Abbey amid great pomp, and the Vatican have declared an official mourning period of 100 days. Even leading Islamic leaders have called for a period of calm and contemplation, finally bringing closer Mrs Beckham's wish that all branches of faith can co-exist peacefully.

So what does the lady herself make of all this fuss? Well, The Rockall Times caught up with her at her exclusive Spanish villa to find out. Lounging by her Olympic-sized swimming pool, she looked every inch the bulimic and tango tinged musical genius the world has come to adore over the years. "Obviously the public love me very much," Posh enthused, "but there comes a time when a girl has to pack away her unfeasibly pert and expensive fake tits, and dedicate herself to the upbringing of her family. That time has come for me." Unfortunately, David was unavailable for comment, busy attending "shooting practice" with five of his closest and most beautiful personal assistants.

Fellow celebrities and friends have been quick to comment on the sad news, Sir Paul McCartney releasing a press statement that said: "I may have been a member of The Beatles, who changed popular music forever and who continue to directly influence virtually every musical genre the world over, but my achievements pale into insignificance when compared to Victoria's. Just look at our Sgt. Pepper's album, generally perceived as a masterpiece for years until the arrival of her first solo album called... um... er... anyway, it's a sad day for music."

Phil Spector, who pioneered the "Wall of Sound" production technique which helped several groups top the charts in the 60s, was equally dismayed at the news. Speaking from a maximum security cell where he awaits his trial for the murder of an innocent grumble-vid actress, he said: "This is indeed a sad day. Posh was a pioneer like me too. She was the first to utilise the 'Morass of Sound' vocal technique, in which her vocals were entirely synthesised and passed through several software packages to enable them to be buried deep in the overall finished mix. Jeez, I can't get these red stains outta my hands. Can someone get me some fuc*kin'; soap, please? And get me OJ's lawyer."

Billions have been wiped off the value of the world's major stock exchanges as a result of the news, but Posh has single-handedly averted a certain economic crisis by also confirming that she will not entirely disappear from our most tawdry publications. It only remains to be seen just who she is slagging off next week, or which of her celeb "friends" is following her barmy twiglet-only diet.

Previously

• Concern grows over state of Beckham marriage
• Ger*i Halli*well to duet with Slobodan Milosevic
• Policy announcement: The Spice Girls