Rockall rejects metrication

We like what we know and we know what we like

by How Tenji in the Fighting Dog and Pikey, Rockall

At the monthly "fish and chip supper, and domestic governance evening" in the Fighting Dog and Pikey on Tuesday the ruling council of the Peoples' Republic of Rockall declared the metrication of Rockall would not go ahead due to cost and "other factors".

Vince (landlord and Finance Minister) revealed that a top team of accountants (Ladbrokes) had estimated the total cost of full metrication to be £1,000,456.32 whilst the benefits would not exceed £9.81. "On that basis it would have not been prudent to proceed," said Vince, affecting a dodgy Scottish accent.

"What about the simplification of international trade?" asked a visitor, just before a 568.3 ml tankard style beer container (now no longer a legal beer receptacle on Rockall within the meaning of the act) hit him behind the ear.

"Good point," said Vince as he and Ol' Joe (DynoRod concessionary, gynaecologist and Foreign Minister) dragged the unconscious visitor out of the pub. But our main export is bird shit, which is sold by the internationally accepted standard unit; 'the shit-load'."

"Watch where you're going you fuc*king twat," Shouted "Spotty" Dick (Undertaker, and Health Secretary) as Ol' Joe backed into him. "You've made me nudge the 'Metrication Made Easy' fruitie up to megajoules, now I'll have to spin again and hope for at least a million electron volts before I can convert back to a unit of mass for a decapound jackpot. Cun*ts," he concluded.

"Why so expensive?" asked a local, taking a pint of Olde Wifebeater from Vince.

"Well both road signs would need changing."

"Yeah, but £1,000,000?" he persisted.

"Don't forget the cars, Vince," shouted Reg (Currently unemployed and Secretary for Work and Pensions).

"Right mate! All the cars would have to be shipped back to the dealers' in Inverness to be converted to run on litres — that would cost a packet..." Vince started emptying ashtrays as he continued, "...and all the roads would have to be ripped up 'cos they were laid in miles — we'd need metric roads to go with the signs."

"And they're all made in France and Germany," chipped in Foreign Minister and Estate Agent "Slimy" Simon. "British industry hasn't re-tooled for the changeover; they can only sell roads to the USA now."

"Right, that's the million. And the rest?"

"Sundries," explained Vince. "All the glasses in here for a start would have to be changed over to millilitres, the rubber Johnny machine would have to dispense French letters, and those things in the ladies would have to be in boxes of 10s not 12s — it all mounts up. Oh, and the 80p is for metric chalk for the dart board. Fuc*k 'em, I say."

Appearing at the door, blood trickling down his face, the visitor asked: "What were the other factors?"

"Blatant xenophobia, mate," said 'Ol Joe as he demonstrated the "Rockall blow job" — a local speciality, administered in the same general region as the conventional BJ but using the knee, as opposed to the slightly parted, moist red lips.

A chorus of approval greeted his summary, glasses were refreshed and a game of full contact cribbage began in the lounge bar. Outside, unnoticed by all except a family of travelling gannets in a white Transit van with Irish plates, Mrs McFiddean (Tea-shop owner and Minister for Overseas Development) threw away the four litre catering pack of luxury whale blubber margarine, that she had bought in anticipation of the change, and replaced it with eight one pound blocks: Total loss £9.81.

Previously

Email an enemy

Pub-friendly printable version

‘Rockall’ index page

Trawl Rockall for:

Rockall rejects metrication

Previously