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This is a pub-friendly version of this article — print it out and take it with you down the boozer. |
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The original is at http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2006/03/13/rowan-raunchbitch-consent.html.
Lads: Considering sex with a Breezer-fuelled slapper?
Click here to avoid embarrassing and inconvenient rape charge
by Rowan Raunchbitch
The news that all alcopop-fuelled teenagers male looking to engage in sexual liason with the opposite sex must in future first obtain "explicit consent" comes as a great relief to all right-minded citizens who have for too long believed that the legal definition of rape is far too specific to protect the modesty of girls whose only crime is to drunkenly roam the streets of northern towns; miniskirted, knickerless and howling for gratification like hyena bitches on heat.
The facts are these: men must now have proper permission to form the beast with two backs. Anything less and they will find themselves hauled before the beak while prosecution experts wave DNA profiles in their faces and their sobbing victims recount: "When I woke up, him and his mate were giving me a Premiership spit roast."
Accordingly, we at the The Erotic Digest have — in association with The Rockall Times — prepared a handy cut-out-and-keep-in-your-wallet-next-to-the-condoms "Inebriated sex consent form" — to be completed in full and prior to any form of sexual activity. Please note that the form must be witnessed by two recognised professionals (doctor, priest, police officer, etc) and failure to obtain said verification will render it null and void.
Please click here to download the form. Your statutory rights are not affected.
Rowan Raunchbitch is editor of The Erotic Digest
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From The Rockall Times Monday 13th March 2006
http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/.