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'Bullseye' makes welcome return to UK TV

In an announcement that's all but guaranteed to bring delight to the hearts of pensioners, students and chubby-cheeked Northern comedians everywhere, ITV bosses announced today that the seminal 80s gameshow Bullseye is to be revived, once again giving meaning to Sunday tea-time television schedules. The first show will be a pro-celebrity charity special, and this reporter has learnt that one of the teams, hotly tipped to win, consists of none other than Metropolitan Police Chief Sir Ian Blair and US Actual President Dick Cheney.

It is understood that Sir Ian will be fielding the notoriously tough questions delivered by genial host Jim Bowen, while President Cheney will be the man responsible for making sure that the target is hit every time. However, the darts-based premise of the show's previous incarnation has now been replaced by a format that, according to an ITV insider who we questioned under the Prevention of Terrorism Act, is intended to be a "reflection of the times we live in".

In the show's heyday, simple, decent working-class folk stood to win such glamorous prizes as the famous luxury carriage clock and rubber Bullys. Those lucky enough to live in deprived inner-city areas had the chance to win a speedboat if they managed to score 101 in six darts or less, or have a brand new fitted kitchen whisked away from under their noses as the non-darts player managed to miss the required single four to finish. 21st century Bullseye, though, will be a different matter, according to our source.

"Instead of selecting categories and trying to spell duosyllabic words in the hope of winning some useless tat hastily procured from local pawnbrokers, contestants will be required to answer questions regarding their identity, national security issues and the War on Terror™. Failure to answer these questions correctly can result in being excluded from the round for a maximum of 28 days without being told what the right answer is," said the source, who asked to remain anonymous on the grounds that he wore a prayer hat and feared reprisals for leaking/possessing/possessing with the intent to pass on information that could be used by terrorists. Possibly.

"In addition," he continued, as our besuited photographer advanced menacingly towards him, "instead of throwing darts at a giant board to determine the points value of a question, contestants will be required to hit coloured youths and suspected immigrants fleeing for their lives down Tube escalators, with a high-powered automatic pistol. Each will have a target painted onto his back, and the accuracy of the shot will determine how much the question is worth."

Those fortunate enough to avoid indefinite incarceration after the first round will now have the opportunity to win such treasures as a life peerage, immunity to prosecution and mandates to wage war without UN permission. "It gives a new meaning to the phrase 'Iiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnn one!' as contestants really will have to bring them down with one shot to have any chance of securing the star prizes we're offering," revealed our source, shaking uncontrollably.

While revelations of the show's new style have been surprising in themselves, nothing has caught observers more off-guard than learning that Sir Ian and Vice Prez Cheney have been persuaded to take part in the inaugural episode. Mr Cheney is known to be having two weeks off from running the American presidency while George Bush's puppet-strings are replaced, leaving affairs in the capable hands of US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, and it is thought that the show's producers have scheduled recording times to coincide with his well-earnt vacation. Sir Ian, currently mired in scandal not only regarding covert taping of his conversations with high-ranking legal eagles, but also still the shooting of supposed Brazilian-sparky-but-now-revealed-to-be-a-rapist-apparently Jean Charles De Menezes, has been thought to be keen to use the show to divert attention away from his paranoid policing practices and his extremist views regarding how much the public should be told.

Mr Cheney is renowned for being proficient with civilian firearms and probably military ones too, having previously demonstrated an uncanny knack for directing two barrels' worth of buckshot with unerring accuracy towards geriatric lawyers hidden in foliage, and is keen to show off his talents to a wider audience. "Dick was really up for it," said our source, begging for mercy from our photographer's Chinese Wrist Burn. "He sees this as a great opportunity for a double whammy of both making the world a safer place for God-fearing Christians and raising some money for Condi Rice's soon-to-be-announced election campaign in 2008." The hunting permit-dodging dignitary, who never drinks before handling guns, is also eager to raise his profile with the British public, so that they might better fear Him and pay homage at His arthritic feet.

That's not all that will be new, however. The legendary prize board will be updated in accordance with the new ethos behind the show. "We're really excited about the the Prize Bo-oooaaaa-ard!" howled the insider as electrodes were applied to his genitals. "Instead of requiring the contestants to hit the red segments and not the black ones, we will be tying Afro-Caribbeans and rebel left-wing Labour MPs to the board. The contestants will need to avoid shooting the darkies; if nothing else, we'll need them for the preliminary rounds of future shows. The same rules apply about hitting the same place twice though, so contestants will need to remember to 'keep out of the black and in the red and there's nothing in this game for two in the head'."

We managed to obtain an exclusive sneak preview after threatening to report the insider to MI5 unless he agreed to swipe a copy of the programme tape for us. In it, disaster nearly strikes when Sir Ian is asked the name of the Latin American foreigner shot by police shortly after the 7/7 London bombings. When Sir Ian correctly answers "Menezes!" three armed response police officers burst into the studio, kick Jim Bowen to the floor and are on the verge of shooting him in the back of the head without challenging him before one of them notices that he's not wearing a puffa jacket in the middle of the summer. Unfortunately, shortly after viewing this footage, we were forced to make our excuses and leave after four burly security guards interrupted our interview.

Previously

• Met supremo admits to Speedy Menezes trauma
• Africa welcomes Cheney-led drugs deal
• Spiral galaxy of stars hails ITV's 'Season of Culture'

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