MPs' personal medical details wow Brits

Details of leading political figures' personal medical histories were recently released under the Freedom of Information Act. Thousands of bored office workers throughout the land have since been downloading the information, mostly in vain attmepts to email colleagues to show they are humorous and "with it".

These unfortunates have felt the pinch of recent business guidelines which state that movies of Romanian women giving oral love to ponies or a slightly funny new take on how George Bush might look if he was a hippo, are not to be emailed during working hours. Accordingly, and instead of doing actual work, more and more employees are filling dull moments downloading intimate details of their MPs' hospital visits, and moaning that Hotmail has had its access blocked by the IT department.

While not wanting to make light of the sensitive details that have emerged, the facts speak for themselves:

• In 1960, aged seven, Tony Blair visited a Dr Gumbo, his GP. The documents sensationally reveal that he was suffering from a "tummy ache" and an "itchy bottom". Diagnosis: Attention seeker.
• David Cameron was hospitalised in 1985 during "Coke Me Up — It's the Eighties" a synthesised music concert, suffering from hyperactivity, erratic behaviour and a rapid heartbeat. Diagnosis: Censored.
• John Prescott was not always the articulate speaker we know and love, in 1967 after a school field trip to a farm, he was sent for surgery after having his tongue bitten....by a cock! Diagnosis: Cock.
• Menzies Campbell has certainly been in the wars, both of them! He is also documented as being treated on the dockside in New York City in April 1912, after being a passenger on the ill-fated Titanic, aged 56. Diagnosis: Methuselah Syndrome.
• In 1969, a ten-year-old Charles Kennedy was sent to the local infirmary suffering from alcohol poisoning. The notes show that Kennedy had drank an entire bottle of Ethanol during a Science class after hearing it was 100% proof. The notes also reveal he called his headteacher a "wee bastart" and a "raggie wide-o" as he was escorted out of the school. Diagnosis: Pissed.
• Even Edwina Currie has visited the doctor's office during her life. She was once sectioned under the Mental Health Act for continuing to find boring men sexy. In 1985 she sought treatment after sleeping with Civil Servant John Smith, department under-secretary of the sub-regional vice committee of national statistics, and again in 1987 for sucking off Steve Davis. Diagnosis: Salmonella.

The question surely now must be asked: "Do politicians deserve privacy?" The short answer is of course, no.

Previously

• Menzies Campbell revelation rocks Middle England
• Charles Clarke health scare rattles Downing Street
• Investigators probe shock claim of non-electronic office communication