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I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

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Trawl Rockall for:

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Fears for vounteers as trial goes horribly wrong

A large group who took part in a trial for an untested new product are facing years of trauma after the experiment went horribly wrong with their minds apparently being left permanently warped and twisted.

The creation, Third Way™ from the New Labour Corporation, was said to cause none of the allergic reactions provoked by existing products. The volunteers — known only as the British electorate — were told that Third Way™ offered clean government with no sleazy side-effects and without large amounts of money unnacountably filling party coffers.

Initially, those taking part were satisfied with the effects, but as time passed they began to suffer from increasing queasiness developing into disgust and outright outrage. Now there are reports of chronic indignation and nausea with many participants desperate to leave the test early despite having signed up for another five years of the trial.

One eyewitness, whose boyfriend received a masive dose of Third Way™ on the promise of a brighter future, told The Rockall Times: "His head became so swollen through anger that he looked like the Elephant Man. Analysts say he's got a fifty-fifty chance of pulling through a full Labour term."

A spokesman for New Labour would not confirm or deny the full extent of the adverse effects of Third Way™, but admitted: "A lot of these human guinea pigs are in a critical condition but we firmly believe this is a result of stuff they took back in the 1980s and nothing to do with our advanced clinical trials in democracy."

The man leading the experiment — Dr Blair — promised the product would be "whiter than white, purer than pure", although media tests have since shown Third Way™ to have been contaminated by large doses of infected bungs and backhanders. Confronted outside one of his many modest £5m West End apartments Blair insisted: "We tested this stuff on focus groups and they showed no adverse effects. There is no scientific explantion as to why the population has suffered this allergic reaction to the product." Blair further denied falsifying test results on Third Way™ and insisted he had "cleared the product with God" who would be the "final arbiter as to its righteousness".

Experts are divided as to whether the trialists will ever fully recover but are unanimous in insisting that immediate hospitalisation is required for all Third Way™ casualties, beds permitting.

Previously

• Blair 'fired up and hell-bent'
• Blair rips open shirt on open government
• Wheels fall off Tony's election bandwagon