Rockall moves to tackle water crisis

The natural resources secretariat of Rockall's Home Affairs Ministry last night voted on a raft of radical measures designed to avert an impending crisis in the islet's water supply. With reserves at a 50-year low following nine months where a daily average of just seventeen inches fell on the sacred rock and umbrella sales were down to below six brollies per capita per annum for the first time since the Great Unbroken Week of Sunshine of 1953, ministers conceded that the time had come to clamp down on the wastage of vital resources.

Rockall's water supply is controlled by French-owned Rockeau, which warned as far back as September that a ban on hosepipes, washing cars and oil-soaked seabirds in public and taking a bath with less than three other people might be a reality as soon as April.

Braving a lashing Atlantic squall to face the press outside Rockall's Municipal Assembly building, secretariat spokewoman Natalie Nicely confirmed: "We received Rockeau's application for a total ban on the mindless squandering of water last Friday. Bearing in mind the urgency of the situation, we have held an exraordinary plenary session and can now announce a whole dambuster of decrees.

"First up, Rockeau will be obliged to cut the supply of dividends to its shareholders for the indefinite future, thereby protecting essential stockpiles of cash which can be used to improve the water system infrastructure.

"Likewise, we are expecting the company to cut the amount of water it loses in underground pipework by 90 per cent. This will allow consumers to use as much water as they fuc*king well like in return for the quite astounding rates they are expected to shell out every year.

"Oh yes, and we're advising Rockall to cut management bonuses by 100 per cent until the reservoirs of consumer confidence are refilled to at least 75 per cent. By our reckoning, that'll be in around 2020."

The Rockall Times contacted Rockeau this morning to get it response. A spokesbucket told us: "What your readers have to understand is that although it appears to have been raining continuously since 1963, we're actually facing a drought on an Ethiopian, biblical scale. Accordingly, we're investing in infrastructure at the rate of £20.3m a second. When we took over Rockall's supply, it took an average of five days to issue a shareholder's dividend cheque. Now, with our advanced computer-controlled management systems, we've got that down to between 6 and 12 hours."

Previously

• Rockall faces hosepipe ban crisis
• Global warming: It's worse than we thought
• Experts issue severe weather forecast warning