Institute of Directors outlaws reminiscing

Clangers cost British industry £3.2bn per year

by Artie Fufkin

In the biggest controversy in British office working since eating at desks was outlawed four years ago ("QuaverGate"), the Institute of Directors has issued new guidelines to businesses that bans talking about the past.

In a trend started by Peter Kay and I Love the 70s, later the 80s, and most recently the 90s, it had become common practice for office workers to reminisce about children's programmes from years gone by during working hours — at an estimated cost to the British economy of £3.2bn per year.

The clampdown has angered the Official Workers Union. In a statement, OWU's General Secretary said: "This is well bad." It was claimed by a source close to the OWU, that the group's splinter wing WC Boys (Water Cooler Boys) were planning disruptive action including swapping around the paper trays in printers, withholding privileged information on how to switch the air conditioning off and stockpiling rubber bands and paper clips possibly to attack colleagues who cross picket lines.

After 15 April, nonetheless, reminiscing will be outlawed. Here is a list of phrases which could see you facing disciplinary action:

"My favourite Thundercat was Panthero, and I sort of fancied Cheetarah!"
"What was the bloke who thought up Mr Benn on?"
"Bagpuss was shit, what kind of shop doesn't sell anything"
"I don't remember the Clangers."
"Transformer's was ace, I had Optimus Prime but my cousin bit his head off."
"What the hell was MASK all about?!"
"Mr Bronson used to scare the crap out of me!"
"Raphael was the hardest Turtle, like."
"I had the Millennium Falcon."

Also outlawed are:

Saying: "Garlic Bread?" in a Bolton accent.
Repeatedly saying: "Dust! Dust! Anybody? Anybody, no? Dust!" also "Cake! I love cake!"

It seems that the hardliners are coming down fast and indeed hard on this kind of behaviour. Institute of Directors Chairman Christopher Beale said: "Reminiscing is no longer accepted by our members during office time, and anyway, it's not as much fun as it was in the old days."*

Editorial note

*We have just received notice from the office of the EU commissioner for satire warning that, in accordance with Directive 11257/23 of 2004, the penalty for the first use of this old chestnut is €250, rising to €500 for subsequent offences. Accordingly, we have instructed contributors to avoid references to "nostalgia isn't what it was", and so forth. Thank you.

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Institute of Directors outlaws reminiscing

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