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The original is at http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2006/03/27/rooney-sued.html.
Wayne Rooney in biography plaigarism kerfuffle
Judge may red card footie star's literary efforts
by our man on the terraces, David Green
In an announcement that has given tabloid headline writers everywhere one huge collective hard-on, Karzi Literature, the company that holds the copyright on the "Jill and John" series of children's books, has said that it intends to sue unfeasibly handsome footballer Wayne Rooney for £5m for alleged plagiarism after a draft copy of his first literary effort was leaked onto the internet.
Manchester United and England star Rooney, 12, has recently ill-advisedly signed a reported £5m contract to publish his life story in a planned series of five books. Eschewing the services of a ghost writer, despite having a barely fundamental knowledge of grammar and spelling, the gifted sportsman, in whose money girlfriend Colleen McCullough has absolutely no interest whatsoever, has decided to take the burden of writing the books upon himself. It is a decision he may yet come to regret.
A temp for the plaintiff company, struggling to read his notes, stated: "We hereby declare, to all and sundry, including the 'Match Of The Day' team, that Karzi Literature has filed a civil action against Mr Wayne Rooney for what we believe is blatant copying of sections of, amongst other books in the series, 'Jill And John Go To The Park' and 'Jill And John Have A Day Out'. We are, frankly, somewhat surprised that Mr Rooney thought that he might be able to get away with this, but we hope that this action will result in a situation whereby the public aren't subjected to countless pages of ordure, and footballers everywhere hire the services of someone with at least a rudimentary grasp of English to write their life stories."
The first book in the series, "Lickle Wayney", is at first glance a heart-rending tale of a little boy who grows up in the poverty-stricken back streets of Liverpool and ends up being spotted playing football in his school playground by a Fagin-like talent scout at the age of six. However, upon closer examination, it is hard not to see Karzi's point.
For example, the second chapter of the book, after describing how the young Wayne was forever throwing his toys out of his pram, continues with the following paragraph:
I went to the park. I had a ball. I kicked the ball. I had fun.
And the original "Jill and John" text:
Jill and John are going to the park. Jill and John have a ball. Jill and John kick the ball. Jill and John are having fun.
"This is just one of the many examples of, 'ere what's this say...cheers mate...'playjism' that we at Karzi have found after comparing the two texts," continued the spotty spokestemp, "and we owe it to all our fans out there to give this case 110 per cent. We mean, all credit to the lad, he just about knows how to spell his own name, but obviously we cannot allow this state of affairs to continue unchallenged."
The case couldn't come at a worse time for English football's pin-up boy. The World Cup awaits, and the prospect of a lengthy court battle could, it is feared amongst football experts, distract from his preparations. The English coach, Sven-Goran Eriksson, seems to be especially worried.
"It is not good," said the ice-cool Swede. "While his English...er... is technically correct, obviously we...er...feel zat...er...he could have been paying more attending to his writer's skills. It is not a...er...good...er...timing for this sort of affair...I mean...not affair...er...zing...to be happenink, as it is not an affair, and never was an affair. It is never good when...er...you think only of money...er..vell, not all ze time, anyvay."
Rooney was unavailable for comment last night, as the England team are currently away on training duty at a five-star hotel in southern Spain, where the combination of massage parlours, bars and dodgy strip joints is designed to make sure that the national team will be in tip-top condition when they launch their latest attempt to be knocked out in the World Cup semi-finals. We did, however, manage to catch up with his bird Colleen — now we ain't sayin' she's a gold-digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke, broke, broke — in Manchester city centre, where she happily posed for some tasteful photographs in front of Miss Selfridges before giving us the middle finger and climbing into a waiting limo, flashing her knickers.
Previously
From The Rockall Times Monday 27th March 2006
http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/.