Rockall warms to Sharia law

Rockall has for the last three days played host to widespread protests demanding the immediate execution of Afghan apostate Abdul Rahman who — despite refusing to covert back to Islam from his new-found faith of Christianity — walked from a Kabul court yesterday after copping an insanity plea.

Under strict Islamic law, under which anything which is not prohibited is at least seriously frowned upon, Rahman should at the very least have had his testicles chewed off by stray dogs while hanging upside-down from piano wire. The judge, however, told him: "Islam is a religion of peace, tolerance, kindness and integrity. We've signed a five-year deal to receive US military and financial assistance in return for not chopping anyone's 'nads off, and we intend to honour that contract."

Reaction among Muslims is, unsurprisingly, one of anger and dismay. "Why should the US tell us what to do?" howled one mob member streaming from Rockall's central mosque. "What is wrong with Islam that he should want to convert?" he added, while his burqa-clad wife walked a respectable distance behind her husband.

The crowd — lacking anything American on which to vent their spleen — quickly turned on a huge stone representation of Buddha which has for centuries been the sacred islet's principal tourist attraction, dynamiting the statue into the North Atlantic amid cheers from the faithful to whom the symbol was an affront and an outrage. "And if the Americans come here they'll get more of the same," chuckled one black-turban-clad former Taliban member who quickly legged it when an Apache helicopter gunship hove into view.

At the island's Fighting Dog and Pikey, meanwhile, landlord Vince declared an immediate 24-ban on sex in the pub's toilets as a mark of respect to Sharia tradition. "Right, you lot," he declared to an unusually-subdued public bar, "anyone caught shagging in the bogs will be for the high jump, make no mistake."

"Sorry Vince, but sexual intercourse in public conveniences is an integral part of my religious beliefs," lamented Rockall's Rastafarian bookshop owner, Winston Kenyatta Simba — aka "Brian".

"No you silly bugger, that's the London Episcopal Church of Cottagers," countered Davey Leveret, propping up the snug bar with a pint of Olde Wifebeater and a slim panatella.

"Well, yeah," conceded Winston, lighting up an enormous spliff.

"Religious partaking of cannabis in the snug only," reminded Vince. "And stay out of the women's toilets."

"Well I reckon they're right about that Rahman bloke," chipped in one youth throwing pound coins into the Jihad Jamboree fruitie. "They've got their laws and they're entitled to enforce them as they see fit."

"I agree," offered Arthur "Chalky" Black from his position by the shove-ha'penny board — temporarily covered with a sheet in recognition of Islam's dislike of pub gambling for small stakes. "I remember back in '57 old Elsie Spannerworks converted to Islam after meeting that Egyptian chap who was working the herring-worrying ships. I recall the locals threw her off a cliff when she refused to come back into the Christian fold. Mind you, they were all fined three-and-sixpence a head later for breaking the age-old 'no executing of witches or non-Christians on a Friday, except during August' statute. Caused a bit of a kerfuffle, that did."

"So..." mused our spotty friend at the frutie while climbing into bed with the "One Hundred Virgins in Paradise" superbonus having successfully negotiated the "Martyr's Minefield" double-or-nothing nudge feature en route to an explosive 30 quid jackpot. "...we're agreed that Hamid Karzai has bottled it in the face of American pressure to let the geezer off the hook?"

"Well, the Americans do see themselves as the guardians of civilisation worldwide..." confrimed Chalky.

"In that case Rahman can consider himself lucky he's not black or he'd be strapped to a gurney right now while some silly tart took twenty minutes to get the needle in his arm and Arnie Schwarzenegger signed the rejection of a last-minute clemency plea," concluded Davey Leveret, waving his flagon at Vince to indicate further pintage was urgently required.

Previously

• Rockall rocked by explosive ginger prophet revelation
• Blasphemy riots claim 100 lives
• Newsweek tightens editorial procedure as US flags burn