An England football team's guide to Germany

Let me start this column with an apology. It is in no way intended to offer up any offence or doubt the brain power of our lads who are going to thrash the Krauts in their own back yard. I merely wish to give a few helpful tips to the Squad as they navigate a precarious path through a difficult language and some quaint German customs which, if they slip up, may have dramatic consequences on our chances in the World Cup and even spark diplomatic problems with our European brothers and sisters.

Language

The use of appropriate, limited phrases is my best advice to David and Co. Get these right and you will be received with warmth and kindness, albeit with a smattering of Teutonic smugness and tittering, but gloss over that and you'll get along great.

• "Guten Tag." — "Good Day."
• "Wieviel heur est is?" — "What time is it."
• "Konnen Sie bitte meine ball zuruck?" — "Can you give me my ball back please?"
• "Fur Sie, der Kampf is vertig, Fritz." — "For you the War is over, Fritz."
• "Achtung, Spitfire!" — "Attention, Spitfire!"
• "Hande hoch oder ich scheissen!" — "Hands up or I will shoot!"
• "Zwei weg kampfen und eine weg tasse, doo dah, doo dah!" — "Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo dah, doo dah!"

In return for getting to know this smattering of everyday phrases, the Germans will look upon you now as equals rather than the sad almost-rans they consider you to be.

Customs

No, not those sort of Customs (or Zoll as they are called in Germany) although it is important to note that if you piss these guys off upon arrival, you won't just get a telling off like our nice boys and girls in England. No, these bastards are all armed to the teeth and built like brick shit houses. Gob off to these fellas and you'll be lucky if you can hobble on to the pitch a couple of weeks later. The important thing to remember is to respect the age old traditions of the Master Race and, maybe, you might learn something.

1. Upon being greeted by a German, raise your right arm stiffly to the air and shout "Jahwol, Herr Oberst!" this will bring a sense of formality to the occasion as is required in the ordered German system. Once you get this out of the way, the rest is plain sailing.
2. When you score a goal, don't go celebrating like a spazzy on acid. Simply clap yourself and team mates politely for no longer than four seconds, offer an apologetic shrug to the opposition Captain and signal the Ref you would like to restart the game as quick as possible and keep the Match to its schedule.
3. If you take a knock during the game, don't roll over as if you'd just been machine-gunned. Manfully grip the injured part of your body for a few seconds, get up and play on. You can always have it amputated later.
4. When the Match has run its course, politely commiserate with/congratulate your playing counterpart, swap your shirt and offer an outstretched hand and don't get hot and bothered if he gives you the International "up yours" gesture.
5. When after-Match celebrations get out of hand and Sven has sloped off with the barmaid, don't be tempted to go out and take over a Bar/Restaurant/Brothel to the exclusion of everyone else. This is the sole right of the Germans and you should respect that.
6. Do not liken the Team accommodation to "Stalagluft VII". It has been designed specifically Spartan and functional in keeping with German principles. You could brighten it up of course; a few flags, banners and piped renditions of the Horst Wessel would be acceptable.

Well there you have it Lads. Go and do your thing, play up and play the game. See you back in Blighty about 12 June, when you've made a balls of your soft first Group and Trinidad and Tobago knock you out.

Previously

• This is where it all went wrong for England
• English express disappointment at lack of World Cup disappointment
• Jap discovered still fighting World Cup