Taxing times for the sexually active

Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Bruiser Brown recently announced his tenth successive budget, a feat unmatched in modern political times. But despite widespread plaudits from political commentators on his economic acumen and the buoyant UK economy, dark clouds are looming for Mr Blair's right-hand man.

So far, successive Tory and Labour governments have managed to tax virtually everything possible, with the exception of air, freedom of thought and sexual union. The Rockall Times can exclusively reveal that one of these is to be taxed in next year's budget. From April 2007, those who choose to indulge in coitus will officially owe the tax man money.

Greeted with horror by some and elation by others, it seems at first glance as though this latest revenue raising measure is aimed punitively at the younger generation, who clearly enjoy sex as part of their binge-drinking, genital-gobbling, hoodie-wearing lifestyle. Not so, as those who thought they would avoid this measure by enjoying the guilty solo pleasures of the wrist/fingers* (delete according to gender) will not escape after all. All sexual activity which results in a sticky mess at its conclusion will fall under the new tax rules, be it solitary, as a couple, or as a premiership footballer amongst a group of seventeen pre-teenage girls.

Enforcement will obviously prove a difficult challenge, but Brown hopes to crack this nut by recruiting thousands of extra special police constables, specifically tasked with fitting every sexually-active UK citizen with pay-as-you-go chastity devices. In practice this means from the age of 14 across most of Britain, and from age six in South Wales and Toxteth.

Users wishing to engage in slap'n'tickle will be required to put £2 in the device's coin slot or top-up with credit at their local Tesco supermarket. Means testing has not been deemed necessary as users will only pay for what they use.

Although the plan has found widespread favour among opposition MPs keen to see unemployed single mothers on sink estates taxed out of the reproductive market, some high-profile critics have come forward. Professional love-rat and Z-list celeb Darren Day is understandably concerned at the proposals, saying: "I can't believe it! Who do the government think they are? My daily twelve-in-a-bed orgies are going to bankrupt me now, aren't they? Thanks Gordon Brown."

Career criminal Lord Archer was another who questioned the Government's motives. "Just what is this Labour Party up to? Now everyone knows I don't shag Mary (despite her being very fragrant) because she won't have me, so I naturally assumed I'd be safe enjoying the bracing pleasures of my own muscular forearm and a fetching picture of Ken Livingstone. Clearly, the government are intent on targeting wankers like me with these unfair measures."

Others however, have been quick to welcome the proposals. Amongst them, a man who only wished to be known as N Hamilton was obviously enthused at the prospect of expensive nookie: "Anyone who knows my wife also knows that she's dog rough. She used to force me into sex with her, but now I can use the excuse that I can't afford it any longer. God bless you, Gordon Brown. What's that? Yes dear, I'm coming."

Previously

• Government to outlaw the five-knuckle shuffle
• Government denies masturbation blindness claims
• Masturbation 'positively benefits eyesight' survey shows