Vultures circle crack-ravaged Whitney Houston

As if being hopelessly addicted to class-A drugs isn't bad enough, having one's dealers openly boast about the vastly-inflated prices they regularly charge you for their wares can only add insult to injury. And with Whitney Houston's own sister in law claiming the singer regularly spends entire days locked in her bathroom, snorting and smoking drugs whilst rogering herself with sex toys, it hardly seems possible that her plight could get any worse.

But Houston's humiliation was further compounded last night, when the beleaguered singer's sex-toy suppliers claimed they are regularly selling Houston top of the range fanny hammers at up to 12 times the list price. And such is Houston's insatiable desire to feel satisfied as a woman, her principle sex-aid supplier has been able to put her three children through college and still find change to buy a loft apartment in LA.

Bedtime Buddies sales co-ordinator, Joyce Buganhagensagen said yesterday: "Baby, I'm here to tell you that Whitney can wear out the main shaft of a nine-inch rotating ultra-rabbit in under three weeks. Either she's lubing with battery acid or she's spending 12 hours a day pounding her piece. A week ago, I sold her a bath-proof model called The Nautilus which I though was pretty well indestructible. Yesterday, she called me up asking for a replacement. I turned up and she showed me what was left of the first model — it was the size of an acorn."

"I'm on call for Whitney 24/7," added Buganhagensagen, "especially since the cops found her at four am trying to stick the thin end of a traffic cone up her ass. And yes-sir, I charge top-dollar for being on call whenever she need me. If she's after batteries, beads or butt plugs, she knows that she can call me anytime and I'll be over. I ain't ashamed of the prices I'm charging — its all about choices and it's all about life-style."

But Buganhagensagen warns that in her increasingly-confused state, Houston has become an easy mark for more unscrupulous sales people. Sinister organisations have started to move in, each hoping for a slice of the singer's dwindling fortune. A ruthless South LA plastic container gang — The Tupps — headed by the notorious Ma Baker (and sons) have reaped thousands of dollars selling Houston salad-crispers, cracker-cosies, in addition to family-packs of microwaveable freezer-keeps.

Questioned yesterday, Baker defended her actions: "Sure, I sold my home-girl some boxes — have you seen the state of that bathroom of hers? I sold her a double-tier hinged easy-keep with different color-coded compartments for her drugs. When you're seeing demons, you don't want to be mixing your rock with your hash with your coke — $8000 was a small price for her to pay. She might live in a crack den but there's no excuse for being untidy. My sister also sold her a Thermal Big Slipper to keep her feet roasty-toasty during those long sessions spent sitting on the side of the bath. Whitney might be messed up on the inside but that don't mean she needs to be cold on the outside."

But as opposed to merely supplying Houston with household organisational solutions, we've seen documents that suggest that Baker is planning to recruit her as a party-plan sales executive for her gang. Baker, however, was up-beat when we presented her with the evidence yesterday:

"Sure, I think Whitney would make a good sales-girl. There's people in and out of that house the whole time seeing Whitney and Bobby — and they're missing out on an easy way to supplement their income. It don't matter if their visitors are record company people or gangsta rappers — everyone has left-over fried chicken that needs storing at some point, and that's a fact. If she recruits a few people of her own, Whitney could earn top dollar — it's all about choices and it's all about life-style."

Baker's minder then pulled out a sign-up form and a Tupps quick-start pack and attempted to recruit this reporter into the gang, at the bargain price of just $50.00. On the pretence of popping down to the bank to cash a traveller's check, I made my excuses and fled back to my hotel.

Bobby Brown's attorney declined on the situation yesterday but asked us to let it be known that he had alhoa vera products for sale and a fail-proof party-plan business model he'd like to discuss: "It's all about choices and it's all about life-style," he added.

Previously

• Blunkett demands harsh penalty for Ecstasy infant
• Kate Moss confirmed fresh face of Rockall
• 'Collapsed from exhaustion' collapses from exhaustion