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BBC World Cup team in punishing training schedule

The BBC's very own team of footballing Galacticos has for the last two weeks been at a luxury hotel in the Lake District in relentless preparation for their essential contribution to England's German campaign, we can exclusively reveal.

Headed by Gary Lineker and comprising a formidable punditry strike force of Lee Dixon, Alan Hansen, Alan Shearer and Ian Wright — backed by veteran commentators including John Motson — the team is understood to be keen to get its teeth into Paraguay on 10 June.

A quick telephone call to the team's waterside bolthole confirmed the high level of preparation for England's first game. "It'll be a day the Paraguayans will remember for the rest of their lives," confirmed Hansen by telephone, "something they can tell their grandchildren about."

Hansen's well-practised mantra indicates that the BBC will show no mercy to plucky Paraguay as their awestruck team withers against a relentless England attack to cries of "Well, they've done really well to get this far, but I think their campaign ends here, to be honest" and "The lads will be queuing up to get on the scoresheet".

The rest, as we all know, is already history. The hapless amateurs from the River Plate proceed to score three goals, each followed by the obligatory "That'll be a goal he will remember to his grave, but you've got to expect England to step up a gear now" until the 89th-minute consolation effort from Michael Owen which earns a "I can't help feeling that we left it a little too late, but the performance is definitely something we can build on..."

Following draws with Trinidad and Tobago ("It's a lovely day out for the lads from the Caribbean, but they'll probabably already be thinking about that flight home," according to John Motson) and Sweden ("Well, they've got a couple of world-class strikers, but you'd have to expect a convincing England win," in the words of Alan Hansen), England are then reduced to a mathematical chance of progressing to the next round which is dependent on Paraguay beating Sweden by at least 10 and the plucky Swedes being wiped out in a terrible autobahn coach accident before the final group game on 20 June.

One footballing punditry pundit told The Rockall Times; "Technically, this is known as the 'Algeria Syndrome' — the irresistable urge to patronise statistically-inferior teams despite considerable evidence that your pronouncements will come back and bite you on your smug fat arse.

"World Cup regulars will instantly recognise how this unfortunate disorder came to be named: Algeria versus Germany, Spain, 1982. The group fixture really set the benchmark, with comments such as 'plucky Arabs' and 'lovely day out' and 'first flight home' entering the football commentators' lexicon for the first time. Of course, Algeria's 'quite astounding' 2-1 win did nothing more than 'give the Germans something to build on' as they prepared to 'step up a gear' in their inexorable march to World Cup glory."

We rang the BBC to ask for a comment, but were told: "It's a lovely day out for the plucky Costa Ricans, and one they'll undoubtedly remember for the rest of their lives, but you've got to expect the Germans to be queueing up to get on the scoresheet here." The switchboard operator then chipped in with: "Well, yeah, I have to agree Alan. They'll probably already be thinking about the duty-free allowance on the flight back, but at least they'll be able to tell their granchildren about how they once shared a pitch with the mighty Germany in this stadium of dreams."

Previously

• England will win major football tournament before heat death of universe, scientists predict
• This is where it all went wrong for England
• 'Big' Ron Atkinson says sorry

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