Government promises action on prison fiasco

'No, it really isn't good enough', admits spokescrew

by Kaiser Smite

The Government's prison policy lay is in tatters following recent revelations that around 400 inmates have absconded from an open prison in Gloucestershire since 1999.

"No," admitted government spokesman, Tim Liberalfascist to questions, "it really isn't good enough and we're determined to fix this growing problem in our justice system. Prisoners placed in open prisons have been tried and properly convicted of crimes and the fact that only two a week are running off is falling far short of Government targets.

"Conviction means that a criminal has been found guilty and that should be an end to the matter. We know they're guilty and they know they're guilty. Justice has been done. After that, we put them in open prisons so they can do a runner and free up prison capacity for the people we really need to lock up, such as families fleeing torture and death under hard-line regimes in foreign countries, Muslim men who once holidayed anywhere ending -stan and any others we have no case against."

Mr Liberalfascist, a junior home-office minister, went on to give a pledge that security at prisons for convicted criminals would be lowered substantially over a three-year programme. Measures to be introduced include policies allowing cakes baked for inmates to be allowed into cells without passing through any kind of metal-detection equipment and a requirement that the Governor's wife always make a stout washing line containing civilian clothes in a variety of sizes available near perimeter walls.

This programme couldn't be coming at a better time, Liberalfascist explained: "EC laws to be introduced in the next few years will forbid us from impinging on the civil rights of convicted murderers, rapists and paedophiles by actually locking them up to punish them for what they've done. We welcome this as new research shows that these society misfits need to be shown understanding and given a second, third or 20th chance to reform themselves. We're confident that subsequent victims — and their families, in those cases where the victim is sadly no longer alive to care — of those breaking out or paroled years before their sentences have actually been served understand the benefits of this compassionate approach to justice.

"Of course, this policy becomes all the more compelling when you realise that this is a win-win situation because we can use the freed-up prison places for those who have committed no crimes but might in the future; for example dark-skinned men who the CIA say once acted really suspiciously near a rucksack shop — or someone who looks very much like the person they were monitoring. We can hold these people until we find evidence against them and find them guilty, at which point they can be considered for early release or sent to open prisons.

"In the future, if it is not possible to find any evidence against someone, we hope to be able to keep hold of them until they die of old age. Obviously, we are working closely with our colleagues in the United States to develop this policy, as they are forging ahead in this area already."

Liberalfascist was unconcerned when it was pointed out to him that the Government's bill to hold terror suspects without charge for 90 days – a timeframe he described as "introductory" — had failed to get through parliament. "That's not a problem," he said. "We'll just keep changing it a bit and resubmitting it until parliament gets so fed up with it they'll let it through whatever. It worked with ID cards."

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Government promises action on prison fiasco

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