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Rockall gripped by new terror laws

In line with the UK government's latest measures in the War on Terror™, the Margrave of Rockall today introduced new terror laws designed to prevent the descent of millions of crazed suicide bombers onto the sacred islet. Rockall Home Secretary Wilfred Al-Jahzeera, reading from a prepared statement on Home Office stationery, described the potential threat to the North Atlantic outcrop as "the greatest since Cuban trawlermen attempted to build a Soviet missile base on Rockall back in 1953".

The new legislation includes an outright ban on certain publications, which will affect two important local papers — the Rockall Improvised Explosive Devices Weekly and the recently-merged Rockall Guillemot Fanciers and Sarin Gas Producers' Gazette. The editors of both publications have already issued a joint statement video statement condemning the new laws in which they are seen wearing black balaclavas and sitting in front of a Basque flag. Local people are likewise up in arms, notably Mrs. Sally Smegma, a much-loved Rockall personality and adult bookshop owner who has started a petition to save the local papers and allow fast-track planning permission for her new working men's club, Juicy Fruit Hippo. To date, she has collected over thirteen signatures, inlcuding that of Abi Titmuss who is keen to front the new venture as the "Face of Hippo".

Further elements of the new law include banning of training given by some organisations, which may affect the Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution in Iraq College of Further Education on Otterfelchers' Lane, although students have already been told that the Riyadus-Salikhin Reconnaissance and Sabotage Battalion of Chechen Martyrs Sixth-form College will allow them to transfer if need be. Parking had been a concern until the landlord of the local Scrote and Asbo public house gave permission for his car-park to be used as an overspill, so residents of nearby David Blunkett House need not worry unduly.

In addition, the public will no loger have access to the Beatrix Potter Nuclear Waste Reprocessing Plant in the north of the island, dealing a severe blow to the Rockall tourist industry. Mr Charles Taylor, Managing Director of 419 Industries of Nigeria and owner of the plant today issued a statement saying: "We cannot believe this new law. We have just invested several hundred pounds in our new Mrs Tiggywinkle cadmium pyrometalurgy indoor nature trail and our Jemima Puddleduck uranium enrichment and play centre. We have already accepted several hundred advance payments from people across the world — how can we let these little children down?"

Local teenagers will also be badly affected by the new regulations. A measure designed to stop riots and demonstrations means that young people cannot congregate in groups of more than one and can be banned from town centres and local shops. Wayne Knob, a well known local troublemaker and self-styled Chav, plans to challenge these powers in the Rockall courts, claiming infringement of his human rights to White Lightning and crap sportswear. Local supporters are already organising fundraising auctions of hoopy gold earrings and sovereign rings, along with large quantities of fake designer goods and stolen mobile phones. Legal commentators do not expect this legal challenge to succeed, citing previous case law such as Mercedes Chardonnay Bilious v Rockall as a precedent.

However, the news is not all bad, since the new laws include measures to detain and execute anyone the Rockall police don't like. Several Danish activists have left Rockall hurriedly and the headquarters of the "Rockall belongs to Denmark" organisation based in the recently-renamed "Who Baled You Out In WW2?" office building in Pilchard Street was this morning burnt to the ground. Fortunately, the Rockall Pig Breeders Association, based in Rebecca Loos House next door, was unaffected by the blaze, apart from some minor bacon smoking. After finding matches and an accelerant at the scene, Rockall Police released a statement saying "Nice one". A Danish reporter covering the scene was later arrested and shot for walking on the cracks in the pavement.

Asked to comment on the new laws, roving rock pundit Bono gave an in-depth response on the spread of terrorism and the need to save the environment. Sadly, our reporter couldn't be bothered to write it down. When approached, Sting gave a shorter response: "Why have you been going through my dustbins?" — succinct and to the point as ever.

Previously

• War on Terror™ update: You're all going to die and so are your kids
• Chechnya: What every parent should know
• Leading journals welcome scientific War on Terror™

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