Rooney on detox road to recovery

England's footballing fate hangs on colonic irrigation

by James Frotbox

Following the title-winning whitewash meted out by Chelseas mercenary legion at Stamford Bridge, Manchester United and England star striker and errant whore-monger Wayne Rooney was stretchered off with a broken foot. The nation's hopes, like John Prescott's sweaty sack in a breeze from a passing secretary's skirt, were left dangling in the wind. But The Rockall Times can exclusively reveal that hope has been offered in the unlikely form of Channel 4 lard destroyer and insipid nag, Dr Gillian McKeith.

Gillian McKeith: Pop Tart Manchester United moved quickly after the injury to scotch rumours that Rooney would be ready to play in the World Cup in Germany this summer. His potential absence has thrown into doubt the pre-ordained destiny of England to win the cup, foretold in both the Old and New Testaments and by the great Nostradamus himself. But thwarted though United's finest doctors were, they opted for a radical solution and turned to the infamous You Are What You Eat presenter.

McKeith herself isn't surprised by the move, releasing a statement that said: "When I heard about Wayne's plight, I knew I could offer my services. You see, if I can get him on the right diet and use my unique gimmicky regime, he will be fighting fit in time to face the mighty Paraguay, who otherwise would defeat England conclusively. Its a long road to recovery, but given the right six-figure fee, I can definitely do it."

So what exactly will Rooney have to endure in order to be fit in time? We take a look at the radical treatment Gillian has prescribed, and speak to the striker himself on his road to full fitness.

Firstly, a detailed stool examination followed a routine colonic irrigation, and some surprising results were discovered. "When I sifted through Wayne's sh*it, I was surprised," said Dr McKeith. "I expected to find the sort of pizza and curry detritus common to a lot of younger players' diets. But I was pleased to see he has been varying his diet and there were definite traces of nutrient rich Pop Tart evident. Im still analysing the rest of the sample though, and am confused to find what seems to be the presence of semen. Bizarrely, DNA testing has shown a match with the DNA of one A Ferguson. Mmmm, I think Ill need to do a little more digging here."

Secondly, Wayne is to continue the daily visits to an oxygen chamber first prescribed by club doctors. Wayne was quick to explain: "Gillian says I need to keep up with the oxygen treatment, although its nothing to do with my broken foot. She says that living in the north of England has damaged my lungs, what with all the pollutants from the giant mills, and so on."

The third stage of Rooney's comeback will involve basic training progressing to all out sprint work. The lightest work involves steady and rigid compliance to a sexual workout plan involving the good doctor herself. Unexpectedly, Wayne did not object to this saying instead that when it came to the fairer sex the older, the better was his motto.

His final fitness test nearer the world cup tournament opening is expected to take a more traditional Scouse turn. Dr Gillian will enlist the help of the Merseyside police force to pursue Rooney through the streets of Toxteth, the England striker encumbered with an assortment of stolen electrical goods. He'll be required to elude capture for several minutes before Eriksson will be able to name him in the starting lineup.

So, come on McKeith, the footballing fate of the nation depends on you.

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Rooney on detox road to recovery

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