Rowan Raunchbitch's torrid sex tips for red-hot lovers

A recent letter to the The Erotic Digest rather nicely highlighted a problem from which all women occassionally suffer: what to do when you've "got the painters in" and the man in your life persists on advancing upon you with his hideously empurpled member, demanding immediate discharge of man juice.

Our correspondent writes: "My boyfriend is continually looking for new and novel ways to shoot his load, especially when Arsenal are at home and I can honestly say there is hardly a square centimetre of my body whcih has not at some time received the benefits of his magic water. Now, however, he says he wants to ejaculate in my face, a practice which I gather is called a 'facial' although quite what it has to do with sea urchin and tea tree oil macrogranule scrubs and Pro-Retinol-A anti-ageing mousse I really don't know. What's your advice?"

I was, I must admit, a bit taken aback at the idea of "copping a faceful" as office girl Gemma indelicately described it, before launching into a rather loud blow-by-blow account of the process for the benefit of the new admin assistant in the next office ("The girl in the post room says it's so long that the bell end comes into the bedroom three minutes before he does").

I, for one, was not convinced by her assertion that a good spash of male ejaculate is an effective substitute for jojoba and exotic maracuja oil revitalizing creme wash, even when "gently rubbed into the face with the fingertips with a steady circular motion".

Furthermore, I can state from experience that the average volume of discharge is way, way below that required to fully benefit the entire face — a fact readily agreed by Gemma who admitted that, despite Russian internet pornography sites' assertion to the contrary, most men do not pump out cream by the pailful while their victims frantically search the room for a lifejacket and snorkel.

In the circumstances, it's difficult to see the advantages of the facial over the pearl necklace, and in the case of the latter you can at least continue your phone conversation while you partner grunts his way to explosive climax astride your supine form.

In answer to our correspondent, I personally recommend executive relief, albeit while wearing a thick pair of rubber gloves and with all nearby furnishings quitable covered in the the unlikely event that your man catches you unawares with a volcanic explosion of steaming ejaculate, in the aforementioned Russian style.

Rowan Raunchbitch is editor of The Erotic Digest.

Read Rowan Raunchbitch on:

• The spit roast
• The office party
• Executive relief
• The joys of text
• The second coming of Rockall
• Fisting
• The pearl necklace
• The dirty weekend
• Shaving
• Frottage
• Bondage
• Water sports
• Tongues
• Lesbian
• Anal
• Threesomes