MPs brace for supernanny state

It was revealed today that Prime Fuhrer Tony Blair, desperate to control growing rebellion amongst backbench Labour MPs, has called upon the services of renowned child-tamer and so-called Supernanny Jo Frost in an attempt to restore order amongst his ever-decreasingly loyal followers.

Famous for telling parents the blindingly obvious truth about their little brats on her hit television show, Ms Frost has been drafted in with immediate effect to rectify severe wide-reaching behavioural problems amongst wannabe Cabinet ministers. The raven-haired temptress, notorious for drawing sly glances from fathers, believes that her tried-and-tested methods used to subjugate errant children the length and breadth of the UK can be applied with equal effectiveness in the House of Commons.

"What Mr Blair has to do," she said, swanning into the press conference room in number 10 Downing Street in her strangely Gestapo-like clobber, "is show the little tykes exactly who the daddy is around here. For too long he's let them get away with forcing him into giving them concessions, arguing with him in the Houses of Parliament, and flicking elastic bands at opposition MPs. If this state of affairs is permitted to continue, Mr Blair will soon find that he loses all control of his House, and from that point on it is extremely difficult to correct such out-of-control behavi-ah."

Citing authentic honest-to-goodness politician George Galloway as a prime example of what can happen when backchat isn't nipped in the bud, Ms Frost went on to describe her plan for giving control of the House back to the Prime Minister.

"George Haddawayanshite is living proof that when answering back is tolerated, it can quickly grow into a serious problem. Fortunately for Mr Blair, George ended up disappearing up his own, and Rula Lenska's for that matter, arse in front of millions of viewers on television, but it could so easily have developed into a situation whereby Tony ended up being constantly nagged at by his onetime charge. So, in response to the PM's predicament, I intend to follow what I like to call my 'Bringing Order to ParliamentTM' plan."

"First of all," continued the borderline bulldog, "we need to start by designating a 'naughty corner' where cheeky backbenchers can be sent to in the event that they get a bit too lippy. There, any hardcore disobedient Labour MPs will have to sit for seven minutes before being told — not asked — to say 'sorry' nicely to the Prime Minister in front of the House."

"Secondly," she went on, wagging her index finger, "I will draw up a list of special 'House Rules' that Tony should make sure are understood by everyone. These will include no interrupting during Prime Minister's Questions, no arguing with any answers given by the Dear Leader, and going to vote-time as and when asked."

"Thirdly," she barked, adjusting her "Doing it for the kids" lapel badge, "any shouting by insubordinate politicians should be ignored and no attention paid, as reacting to such outbursts will only make the tabloids the next day and lead to more attention-seeking behaviour on the part of the offender."

Thoroughly petrified by Ms Frost's tirade against their unruly behaviour, several MPs have muttered such things as "I don't have to do what you tell me, you're not my Mummy" and "'Snot fair". However, some MPs are actually quite looking forward to being spanked every day by a thirtysomething woman wearing black and being forced into submission by sheer weight of personality. It is these MPs that would seem to indicate that Ms Frost has her work cut out over the next few weeks.

"I am aware that some members of the House are twitching in anticipation of my arrival," declared Ms Frost, "but I warn them now that I won't be standing for any nonsense. I know that these members are still growing, but they can be assured that, should I see fit, I will take them in hand and give them the good beating that most of them deserve. And I promise you, it won't be the enjoyable corrective experience that they might hope for."

However, Ms Frost's mandate isn't limited just to the Government side of the House. Il Duce Blair is also looking to her for solutions as to how he might stop local bully David Cameron from constantly beating up his Chancellor and best mate Gordon Brown. While he recognises that Mr Brown's deflection of criticism of his Budget speeches are, for the most part, a case of the victim trying to ignore his tormentor, he is privately worried that one day Mr Brown may crack and give Cameron a jolly good bop on the nose.

"We can't allow situations in the House to develop to the point of confrontation," said Ms Frost, "as this could lead to irreparable damage between those who are supposed to be in charge and those who need to learn to do as they're told. I'm certain, though, that with the correct attitude and a consistent approach to dealing with the problem, Mr Blair will soon be able to regain mastery of his surroundings and be able to run the House without all these unnecessary distractions taking their toll on him. I mean, look at the poor man. He's visibly aged 30 years in a matter of nine, and this can be entirely put down to stress. It's not good for him and it's not good for the country. Together, though, I feel sure we can make a difference to everyone's household life."

Mr Blair was unavailable for comment last night, busy as he was playing scissors-paper-stone with George W. Bush, but a Downing Street spokesman said "He's at the end of his tether. If Supernanny can't help him, he'll just end up walking out of the House, and that won't do anyone any good whatsoever."

Previously

• Baffled Labour loyalists ponder mysterious Blair absence
• Blair rips open shirt on open government
• Labour resignations shake Blair