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  Monday 5th June 2006  Society   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Police called in Cilla Black deforestation shocker

A lorra, lorra sawdust
by Rusty the Boddington's Badger

A neighbourhood argument over the giant redwoods surrounding Cilla Black's mansion has turned ugly, with several trees given the chop without the Scouse TV star's knowledge.

Cilla Black: Shi*t 'appensPolice were called to Black's home in Denham, Buckinghamshire, following reports several trees with council preservation orders on them had been cut back to three-foot stumps.

It appears disgruntled neighbours decided to take matters into their own hands and hired unauthorised tree surgeons to invade the property to cut back the trees on Thursday. When Cilla's gardener, Arthur Ragweed, heard chainsawing he called the police and district council.

"It was bleedin' mayhem," Ragweed told The Rockall Times. "One bloke 'ad a white doctors coat on an a stethoscope round his neck an went round markin trees wiv chalk an' givin a thumbs-down sign. Then this gang of cowboy lumberjacks ran amok with chainsaws, axes an machetes, cuttin' down every bloody thing in the gardens.

"The bastar*ds 'ave chopped me 300 foot Giant Sequoias an' Dawn Redwoods down to effin' stumps, lopped 'alf an acre of Lancashire 'otpot bushes off at the roots an' got well into the Black Puddin orchard before the police arrived an' stopped 'em. Bloody tree butchers, they want 'angin'."

Wilf Vandal, a licensed squirrel strangler and spokesyob for the Sahara Forest Timber Company, told Denham police officers: "We gorra call from the local Neighbourood Watch to come over an sort the gardens out like, cash in and, no questions asked, know wot I means like. No bugger told us Scouse Cilla knew fuc*k all about the job. Bit of a misunderstandin' an all that, if yer take me drift like. Anyways, as the T-shirt sez, Shi*t does 'appen."

We attempted to contact Black for a comment this morning, but were told: "She's out in the garden sweeping up a lorra, lorra sawdust. Call back in a week."

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