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  Monday 5th June 2006  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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TeGenero AG exonerated in Rockall drug test mutant fiasco

Low-density tennis court asphalt sealant did not cause hippo reaction
by Rusty the Boddington's Badger

A final report into a clinical trial of the experimental drug TGN 1412 at a Rockall clinic that left six men seriously mutated in March found the catastrophic adverse physical reactions they suffered were not due to errors in how the drug was made or tested.

The Medicines Healthcare products Regulatory Agency Whitewash Department (MHRAWD) said in the report released yesterday that the unexpected biological effects on six of the test subjects was caused by the presence of Sunny D orange drink in their bloodstreams.

"We are satisfied that the adverse reactions which occurred were not as a result of any errors in the manufacture of the TGN 1412 drug or its formulation and administration to trial participants," MHRAWD Chief Executive Professor Morton Bumbler informed The Rockall Times.

TGN 1412, which belongs to a class of low-density tennis court asphalt sealants, is known to contain monoclonal antibodies, which scientists believe might target and activate an immune system protein named CD28, and is being developed to treat severe attacks of beerkeller gout and bratworst canker.

The trial of TGN 1412 was run by U.S. drug research company Parexel International Corp. on behalf of the German pharmaceutical giant TeGenero AG, and tested on human guinea pigs on Rockall as the company couldn't find anybody stupid enough to volunteer for their drug trials in Germany.

But in the final report the MHRAWD identified what it called "good clinical practice" discrepancies by Parexel in medical records and employment procedures.

The report said MHRAWD inspectors were not satisfied that the person screening volunteers before the trial had adequate training and experience for the role as he was normally employed as the clinic's gardener.

No-one at Parexel was immediately available for comment since the clinic was torched by radical members of the Human Guinea Pigs Union in April.

Six males, all medical research volunteers from RentaClot SA, were rushed to Rockall Infirmary's intense care unit in March after suffering violent adverse physical reactions to the TGN 1412 drug.

Ms. Edith Pustule, spokesperson for Rockall's Medicines and Healthcare Regulation Agency, told reporters that a total of eight volunteers, all from the East Rockall Sink or Swim Estate, were paid £2,000 each to take part in the drug trials. While two were injected with a placebo — specifically draught Guinness — the remaining six had received doses of TGN 1412 and became immediately sick.

He was warnedBacardi McBling, girlfriend of one stricken volunteer, Archie Fuc*kwit, spoke to The Rockall Times in depth after visiting her chav swain in hospital. "I told 'im not to go an' do it, but old shi*t-for-brains always knows best, don't 'e. Two fousand quid they paid 'im, now 'e's all swollen up like an 'ippopotamus an' 'is skin's all grey and bloody wrinkly-crinkly as well."

"The stupid git was a guinea pig for this bunch last year an' they injected 'im wiv some shi*t that made 'im go all funny an' after it all 'e would eat for 'is tea was carrots an' celery an' lettuce, an' 'e kept 'angin' around in pet shops an' makin' weird squeakin' noises an' pissin' all over 'is feet, an' kept shaggin' me doggy-style for weeks after."

"It woz an 'orrible experience for me, an' so embarrasin', cos when me friends came round for a Breezer an' a coupla spliffs Archie would be out on the lawn, on 'is 'ands an' knees, wanderin' around in circles an' nibblin' the effin' grass."

Ms. McBling, who is currently studying for an honours degree in Advanced Guanocology at Rockall's Hall's Ledge University, intends to initiate a class action suit for personal injury compensation against Parexel and TeGenero AG on behalf of the stricken volunteers, one of whom is still being treated at the local mortuary.

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