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  Monday 5th June 2006  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Burning desire to be John Prescott?

Click here for your indispensible cut-out-and-keep guide
by Greg Doublewank

Slugger PrescottOnce again a prominent New Labour top name is up a certain waterway without a vehicular motion instrument. John Prescott, Vice-Emperor and strong-arm bullyboy for His Tonyness is nanoseconds away from being out on his backside.

But the burning question on everyones lips is: Just what the fuc*k did he do? Yes, how did Prezzer manage to wangle £134,000 per annum in salary and a grace-and-favour country mansion and manage to pork a presumably crush-proof strumpet for two years without anyone finding out?

Our guide, kindly reproduced in an abridged version with the permission of Chiseller magazine, sets out the steps required to gain notoriety in high office.

Do...

Cunningly attach yourself to the future Prime Minister of Great Britain. Even though you may have the political know-how of Muffin the Mule, some of the smarm and charisma is bound to rub off onto you. Remember, basking in someone else's glory may not sound cool, but it's glory nonetheless.

Make yourself indispensable to your Führer. Shield him from adverse media coverage by being a complete twa*t yourself. Punch the electorate in the face, scuffle with the press and bang your secretary to keep his shortcomings barely noticeable.

Throw off your traditional Socialist values as soon as you get into office. Become exactly what you used to pretend to loathe and live in luxury, swan around in gas-guzzling, chauffeur-driven motors, blag regular scoff at posh soirees for little or no effort and play croquet on the lawn as your career vanishes down the crapper at warp factor eight.

Don't...

Do a single stroke of work for at least nine years. You have put in the spadework for God knows how long and it's now time to reap the rewards.

Put up with in any form of criticism from either the opposition, your own backbenchers or the press. Oh, and that rabble that call themselves the electorate who had the shortsightedness to get you there in the first place. If you do happen to come in for a bit of stick you can always deny everything, hide behind Tony or simply disdainfully shrug off your detractors. Or punch them in the face — it's up to you.

Offer to resign, even though you are caught bang to rights. Well, not until Tony has sorted out an equally lucrative alternative position, or you have pulled off a Mandelson.

In the unlikely event that you do find yourself in the shite, make an impassioned resignation speech to a packed House of Commons, toady to everyone in your Party and a select few left-of-centre Tories and hey presto! That all-important peerage, grace-and-favour country mansion and gas-guzzling motor can still be yours. You even have the option of boffing a bona fide House of Lords strumpet if you so wish, but do check availability of said doxy with Sir Jeffrey Archer first.

Important disclaimer

We at The Rockall Times do not condone the punching of any voter in the face, no matter what the provocation. Unless he's been shagging your secretary over your desk while you were out in your Jag en route to a robust and free lunch, in while case punch the fuc*ker's lights out.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man