Lady Macca chewed bacon sandwich while pleasuring landmine salesman on sealskin rug

In news which is bound to sicken Sir Paul McCartney, his army of loyal fans and his international team of divorce lawyers, The Rockall Times can exclusively reveal today that estranged wife Heather McCartney was photographed indulging in depraved sexual practices so revolting that we would rather chop of our own legs than publish the stomach-churning details, were it not clearly in the public interest to do so.

In one set of images, which are so deeply disturbing that we have chosen not to publish them, McCartney is seen completely NAKED, smothered in whale BLUBBER and eating a steaming bacon SANDWICH while a curly-haired German LANDMINE salesman performs a sex act on her with an enormous BRATWURST.

McCartney is then seen performing a sex act on the man while he reciprocates with the aid of a scotch egg. During this mutual performance of sex acts, McCartney is seen to orally entertain a throbbing tube of spam as her partner smears her heaving body with raw liver and lard. In other shots, McCartney appears to indulge in full sex on a sealskin rug while clad in nothing more than edible underwear fashioned from sliced salami.

The shoot dates from 1988 — five years before the blonde hussy became famous for deliberately throwing herself in front of a police motorbike as part of her fiendish plan to ensnare Sir Paul and his virtually limitless wealth. The images feature in a German publication entitled MeatMädchen — a revolting insult to the memory of steak-dodging Linda McCartney which will certainly enrage the millions of her fans worldwide who fondly remember her relentless campaign to impress on the UK consumer the benefits of quality vegetarian cuisine.

The pictures are, as we have already stated, too sickeningly explicit for a family publication such as this, and we therefore offer our artist's impression of how Heather McCartney may have looked if she had indulged in a sex act with a mulleted German porn operative during a Mediterranean poolside clusterfuc*k:

Furthermore, while former Beatle Paul McCartney is said to have turned a blind eye to his wife's "colourful" past, we can also reveal today that bow-one-legged strumpet Heather:

• Was not a virgin when she and Sir Paul wed
• Went on seal-clubbing holidays in Candad's frozen north while her husband was on tour in the US
• Secretly held shares in a Czech landmine manufacturer
• Enjoyed £20,000 fur coat-buying shopping sprees with Naomi Campbell
• Clubbed Naomi Campbell's personal assistant with her prosthetic limb "just for the fun of it"
• Secretly drank a vile concoction of powdered rhino horn, giant panda's testicles and aborted foetus umbilical cord in the belief that it would preserve her looks indefinitely
• Failed to declare her earnings as a top international prostitute to the Inland Revenue
• Personally over saw the 2004 slaughter of 200 women and children in the Darfur region of Sudan
• Repeatedly refused to address Paul McCartney as "Sir"
• Failed to replace Lady Di in the affections of the tabloid press

Accordingly, we have made our dossier available to a firm of top divorce lawyers.

Previously

• Cherie Blair's naked pagan shower sex romps with topless model
• George Galloway enjoyed three-in-a-bed orgies with devil worshipping pimp from the Special Republican Guard
• Sex case teacher romped with shape-shifting emissary of Satan from fifth dimension