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  Monday 12th June 2006  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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John 'Lenin' Reid flies in the face of whiskered tradition

No face fungus for ASBO wallah-in-chief
by Steve Book

In a monumental announcement, home secretary John "Lenin" Reid yesterday announced that he has no plans to grow a beard during his tenure as the countries' ASBO wallah-in-chief. This shocking announcement stunned an audience of journalists and ministerial colleagues by flying in the face of years of whiskered tradition, most recently exemplified by Charles Clarke and David Blunkett and historically by such notable statesmen as David Lloyd George and Margaret Thatcher.

Many former Home Office ministers noted for sporting well developed sets of whiskers have been keen to be remembered for their achievements in the field of facial grooming rather than the more notorious legacies they left the country such as alcopop-fuelled youths rampaging across the country on moped-powered crime sprees, slavery and the Black Death.

A spokesman for the Home Office announced to the press that the home secretary had been presented with a range of options upon his appointment, ranging from the full length "ZZ Top" to a fetching goatee "a la Branson" but declined all chin ornamentation on offer. The refusal of governmental perks by such a senior minister shocked many, but John "oh fuc*k not health" Reid assured his listeners that he would retain ministerial standards on all other issues and would certainly not be returning the selection of nurses' outfits appropriated for his personal use during his tenure as minster for health.

"Trotsky" Reid then issued a statement on new a Home Office policy to round up and detain all "dodgy lookin' wee scunners wi beards, they look like they're up tae something" as the latest step in the fight against terrorism.

Comrade John's predecessor Charles Clarke was later detained by armed police while exiting the Westminster branch of Boots with a "suspicious package" that was later confirmed to be a tin of shaving foam and a four-pack of Bic razors. Mr Clarke was held under anti-terrorism legislation and flown to the recently re-named Holiday Camp X-ray in Cuba where he joined other notorious "beardy-weirdies" deemed to be a threat to our national security, including Jeremy Beadle and Zak Dingle.

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