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  Monday 12th June 2006  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Met reveals innovative strategy in War on Terror™

Conviction by Elimination wows the crowd
by How Tenji

Metropolitan police today revealed an innovative new strategy in the international war on terror. A spokesman told our reporter: "We plan to get as many innocent people off the streets as possible; we believe this will make our jobs much easier."

Asked how long the new policy had been in operation the police spokesman revealed that the USA had first applied the method — called "Conviction by Elimination" (CBE) — to a whole population after the war in Afghanistan — when the locked up as many innocent people as they could in Guantanamo Bay. "It worked like a charm," enthused the police spokesman. "Once the innocent were behind bars they just wandered about in Afghanistan shooting anything that moved, apart from anything else it makes the training so much easier."

Use of CBE in the UK has been more low-key. Applied to an extent in Northern Ireland during the 1970s and 80s it misfired somewhat on Bloody Sunday when police discovered that not all the innocent Irishmen were behind bars. The latest refinement of the technique on mainland Britain involves putting as many innocent members of one ethnic group behind bars as possible before the guilty ones are mopped up by a combination of vigilante attacks and concerted action by armed police and soldiers.

"We made a good start with Jean Charles de Menezes," said a spokesman for British Intelligence. "He was clearly innocent and we put him well out of the frame — right in the back of the net. Slight problem in that he was the wrong ethnic group but we put that down to a bit of confusion over the away strip and jostling in the penalty area. We have focussed on our training and we are now well on top of the job.

"Mohammed Abdul Kahar and his brother Abdul Koyair are clearly Muslims and all our detective work suggests they are innocent too — so that’s two big ticks there for the boys in blue! If we can use the prevention of terrorism legislation to keep them inside for a few months that will be the hat trick," concluded the increasingly familiar MI5 spokesman.

Asked what we could look forward to in the future the spokesman replied: "Tesco club cards will be used to identify suspects buying characteristic combinations of products; curry, chilli, pitta-bread, sarin and yashmaks. Anyone not buying one of the products on the secret list, which I seem to have inadvertently given to you, will be bussed off to a holding centre near Clacton in Essex — and believe me this will be just like a holiday camp."

So there we have it, the future: a nicer, safer Britain where you can attack every foreigner you see with a clear conscience, knowing the innocent ones are already safely behind bars, or possibly dead... or both.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man