Mighty England crush Paraguay

The England football juggernaut thundered to a stunning victory on Saturday, in the process crushing a hapless Paraguay who could do nothing but stand and stare in wae and wonder at Sven's merciless sporting elite.

The 1-0 scoreline — courtesy of a virtuoso sixth-minute header by Carlos Gamarra — left few in any doubt of the World Cup's final outcome. "I'm going home now," admitted one shaken Brazil fan, his maracas hanging silently at his side. "I can't honestly see us finding a way through a team of such international class."

His sentiments were echoed by a visibly-shocked Argentinian. "Eriksson's plan was simply brilliant," he gasped. "Let the opposition score for you, then pull everyone back behind the half-way line for 80 minutes. Genius."

Football pundits were mostly united in similar praise for England's masterplan. "The way we totally dominated the match by knocking the ball around the midfield and then passing it back to the goalkeeper if things got a bit hairy was the best single team performance I've ever seen," one admitted.

Another, however, advised caution. "We need a back-up plan in the unlikely event that another team gets lucky. Obviously, there's no point taking the ball and attacking the opposition defence head-on: nobody ever scores by dribbling his way into the box and slamming the ball in the net. I'd suggest we rely entirely on David Beckham's ability to put the ball into the air where, in the confusion, someone's head might make advantageous contact. It's always worked in the past."

In Dortmund, meanwhile, plucky Sweden were celebrating a historic 0-0 draw against much-fancied Trinidad and Tobago. "It's brilliant, this is what footballing dreams are all about," said a tearful Freddie Ljungberg.

Previously

• Jap discovered still fighting World Cup
• Eriksson was crap all along: Official
• This is where it all went wrong for England