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  Monday 19th June 2006  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Bloody Argies at it again

More sabre-rattling over 'Las Malvinas'
by Greg Doublewank

Argentinian President Néstor Kirchner has issued a statement to the world's press that his country still considers the Falkland Islands to be its sovereign territory. Since the War of 1982 — in which depleted British forces gave Johnny Foreigner a damn good thrashing — the sparsely populated, cold, inhospitable, mind-numbingly boring island group has been hotly contested in a war of words between the two ex-protagonists.

Tony Blair countered: "If only we weren't too busy at the moment, what with the War on Terror™, Afghanistan, Iraq and those niggling little preparations to bomb Iran back to the stone age, then we would be back down there to kick your arses. Indeed, we could actually send a couple of Boy Scout Troops the 8000 miles to sort you out, as you are a big bunch of poofs. But then again, my friend George doesn't even know where Argentina is, let alone the Falklands, so I don't think I'll bother."

British Military Analysts have suggested that there are just not enough Regiments up to strength to be able to successfully wage a protracted campaign in the South Atlantic. With the stretch on UK battlefield forces, and the fact there isn't any oil in the Falklands, it is not considered justifiable to beef up the garrison on the islands.

One MOD spokesidiot suggested: "At best we could probably field a reduced strength Light Infantry Regiment armed with Blunderbusses and pointy sticks. We are however researching the possibility of training the penguins indigenous to the Falklands to attack any Argentinean ships. Likewise, we could condition the gannets to down Argie fighters by deliberately flying into the jet engines. And the sheep would come in useful by charging enemy ground troops and kicking them in the knackers."

Indeed, such is the woeful state of UK Forces at present that launching another Taskforce Falklands could only be done by drafting in the Isle of Wight Ferry as transport, calling up the 47 Reservists currently available and allowing two years for them to be able to row to the Islands which they would have to do given the restrictive price of petrol at the moment.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man