Germany 1-0 Poland

Germany 1, Poland 0. How much drama is summed up in those few words. Our reporter, not actually at the game or near a TV — but nonetheless well qualified to rake over the smouldering coals of latent xenophobia, reports.

As tradition demanded, Germany chose to play West to East for the first half. As the sounds of the national anthems faded the referee blew his whistle with a sound reminiscent of a Stuka dive bomber and the German football machine rolled into action. Poland, gallant, but chronically under-equipped, made a spirited defence as the master race crossed the border and headed for the Polish goal.

Old alliances meant that the England were honour-bound to invade the, now vacant, German half and establish a bridgehead around the German corner flag and as far as the Belgian waffle stand near the players' tunnel. Meanwhile the Germans were walking all over the Polish defence and the inevitable goal came as the ball was lobbed into the back of the Polish bunker.

Returning to their own half the Germans dealt swiftly with the English team, driving them back into the terraces so swiftly they left much of their kit strewn over the field. The Belgian waffle stand was quickly placed under new management. An Italian pizzeria opened near the half-way line and the proprietor cheered the German team with great enthusiasm

Poland kicked off and it looked briefly as though they might penetrate the German defences but the Germans, having lobbed a protesting Wayne Rooney, over the fence into the stands, turned and began a second advance. More goals seemed certain when suddenly the Russians, who were initially not thought to be taking part in the World Cup 2006, appeared around the Polish goal. Advancing slowly they viciously fouled the Polish defenders, who were stretchered off amid a flurry of whistle blowing and flag waving from match officials.

The match officials were then seriously fouled by the Russian centre-forward and were also stretchered off. As the Russian advance moved out of the goal area the English team invaded the pitch again, this time joined up by the recently defeated USA. The English, in largely borrowed kit, played with customary spirit and were soon seen to be in complete control of the mid-field. The Americans continued to lend kit to anyone who wanted it, including the owner of the waffle stand and his French neighbour.

Time wore on and the Germans were now playing East to West, the assault from five other teams was taking its toll and the Italian Pizzeria closed down only to re-open immediately as a MacDonald's. The Russians, English, French and Americans partitioned the German half of the pitch between them and the Russians formed an impenetrable wall around the Goal. Despite repeated lobbed kicks by the English and Americans the German goal seemed out of reach until Crouch airlifted a ball over the wall and the Russian blockade crumbled.

An unusual match and one which will be remembered for a very long time — at least sixty years at the current count.

Previously

• Illegal Germans flushed out of Danzig Corridor
• Tony Blair to apologise for Dresden bombing
• Neville Chamberlain joins growing anti-war chorus