China in fresh jailbird organ scandal

The booming transplant industry involving organs harvested from executed convicts in Chinese prisons reached renewed scandalous proportions today with allegations that demand has far exceeded supply and the organs of convicted criminals are being removed while they are still alive.

Mr. Welung Tu-wat, a Feng Shui consultant, told The Rockall Times' Far East correspondent, Charlie Pong: "I get sentenced to six weeks in jail for non-payment of a parking fine. Business not good, no money, cannot pay fine, so nice vacation in jail, all okay la'. One night the egg flied rice taste kinda funny, maybe drugged, then fall asleep and next morning I wake up in the prison hospital and my bollocks are missing. The guy who share my cell, he wake up with one kidney gone and his gold teeth removed."

Regardless of demand exceeding supply, the scandal deepens darkly when considering that courts in China are now imposing capital punishment sentences for what were, until recently, considered common and minor offences. These range from duck buggery or defecating in a public place to female infanticide without a permit and the possession of U2 CDs and / or Bono posters.

China's organ transplant business, both legal and illegal, has seen the rise of a burgeoning cottage industry dealing in transplant surgery.

Mr. Wang Gangbang, a former rickshaw mechanic, took a crash six-week government training course in organ transplant surgery at the prestigious Beijing Morticians Institute before establishing Happy Wang's Transplant Clinic, run out of his garden shed in downtown Shanghai.

Wang told The Rockall Times: "I gets lotsa people here every week...from America an' Europe…anywhere they got lotsa money and need new organ. My wife keep all our prison donor organs in the big chest freezer with the dogmeat and fish... all very fresh."

"Sometime we buy organs from India an' Pakistan…they like to sell the odd kidney or two for cash... can live with one, see... then they have money to buy job in Iraq... dialysis very cheap in India... so sometimes sell both kidney and send wife to Iraq as housemaid instead."

"Next month gonna start transgender surgery here too... have new shed... much bigger one... order from Ikea in Beijing... give you my card, if you wanna try sex change maybe. Turn you into real Western-style slapper... big boobs... the lot."

However, the scandal gets worse, with reports that even state hospitals are now illegally removing healthy organs from living patients.

Mr. Tiger Poontang, a Falun Gong counsellor from Wanking Province, checked into Nanjing's Sun Yee On Medical Clinic last week for routine surgery to remedy an ingrowing foreskin problem. Awaking from the anaesthesia following the operation, he complained of pains in his abdomen and right side.

The attending physician, Dr. Know Fuc*kall, pronounced that several meters of Mr. Poontang's lower colon, and his gall bladder, had been removed, along with his entire penis.

Police investigating the incident stated the hospital files showed no record of Mr. Poontang being admitted to the hospital.

Chief Inspector Shifty "Big Ears" Tang opined to the media that the excisions may well have been the work of medical students performing a sick fraternity initiation stunt and not carried out by Nanjing's infamous Triad transplant organ snatch gang.

Previously

• World's first tongue transplant patient doing well
• Revealed: The cynical trade in the chronically obese
• China is shining beacon of democracy, says man clutching enormous export contract