Rockall Health Service IT costs spiral

Plans to unify the Rockall Health Service data management in a single database have been called into question as costs escalate.

"It was an ambitious project from the start," said "Spotty" Dick (undertaker and health secretary), speaking in his office in the snug of the sacred islet's Fighting Dog and Pikey. "We hoped to replace the existing system of dispersed databases with a 'new coiled wire random access recording facility' (CWRAF). But the price has just escalated out of control. We had hoped to get a two-for-one deal from Staples in Fort William but the offer closed last week. It has blown our budget to pieces."

Spotty went on to explain the current dispersed database system: "Suppose I have a bit of a jippy tummy, right? I'd say to Vince here 'Cor blimey I'm riding the Olde Wifebeater's express this morning.'"

"That's right," said Vince. "An' I would say 'Na mate, you only had a couple of pints an' no one else is complaining.'"

"Yeah," continued Spotty. "An' then I would say 'Well it must have been that fucking pie you sold me at closing time 'cos I've pebble-dashed the bog four times this morning. If it don't stop soon I'll have to see the quack.'"

Taking a medicinal pull on a fresh pint he went on: "So then I would get the on the dog and bone to Doc Tate. His receptionist would ask me if it was urgent and I would say something like 'Urgent? If he don't see me soon I'm going to fall out of my own ringpiece.' And she would mark me down for a week on Tuesday."

"Well," said Vince. "Tasty bit of gossip like that; I pops through to the public bar and tells the lads that Spotty is a little under the weather."

"No you fucking never," said Spotty. "You said I was farting like a foghorn and if they were having pies for lunch they would be better off staying put."

"Well maybe I did, but I've got a business to run and your arse had already cleared the lounge bar. The smell was unhygienic," replied Vince haughtily.

"It was your pies, you poisoning bastard," muttered Spotty.

Looking up from the 'Die on a trolley waiting for a Jackpot' fruitie ol' Joe took up the story. "Suppose he can't wait 'till next Tuesday to see the Doc: next time he is in the bog he hears someone come in for a slash. Well suppose he lets one go, the chap having a slash would say 'That you in there Spotty?' and Spotty would say 'Too fucking right mate; I'm claiming squatter's rights if this goes on much longer. Is that Sid McFiddean?' So Sid would say 'Yes mate.' And spotty would say 'Has your mum got anything in the shop to stop a dose of the squits?'"

Ol' Joe paused as he skilfully nudged the reels round to full BUPA coverage and pocketed £50. "So young Sid 'phones his mum who sends over half a packet of imodium she had left over from Benedorm and slips 'em under the door to Spotty."

"And an hour or two later I was right as rain," concludes Spotty taking a further pint from Vince.

"Which proves it wasn't the pie," added Vince. "It must just have been a virus."

"So you see the problem," said Spotty, "The detailed case history is dispersed all round the health-care community, public health might have been alerted unnecessarily, details of specialised drug therapy from a consultant never got filed with the patient's notes and the final diagnosis never fed back to the GP."

"If we could get the CWRAF system in place it would all be different," sighed Ol' Joe. "For one thing we would never run out of paper in the gents."

"Anyone fancy pie and chips?" Asked Vince. "Half price, I've found a few in the back of the freezer a bit past their sell-by date..."

Previously

• TeGenero AG exonerated in Rockall drug test mutant fiasco
• NHS surgical outsource: How it works in practice
• Mysterious illnesses still afflict Irish pubgoers